Every person on earth is shaped in some way by his or her father. While a male will contribute to a pregnancy, a father contributes to a legacy. Like the church, family is an entity created and designed by God, and fathers play a huge role in the development and leadership of the individual family.
Unfortunately, the definition of what a father even is has come under much duress in recent years. The role is seen by some as dispensable, redundant, and occupied by the moronic. Dads are needled and ridiculed in pop culture as mindless numbskulls with misogynistic tendencies. But God’s view of the role is a high one, evidenced by the fact it is a title he reserves for himself—he calls himself our Father.
With God as our Father in heaven, most of the dads on earth want to be good fathers. We want to be a blessing. We long for the areas of influence God has given to us to be better off as a result of our being there (see 2 Corinthians 10:13–16 for Paul’s area of influence).
Sadly, we sometimes lack the simple tools needed to get the job done. Poor models, misperceptions regarding our role, or our own lethargy can distract us from the great task at hand. Tonight, I would like to offer four suggestions on how to be good at dad-ing.
Keep the Main Thing Main
Your Father in Heaven
The funny thing about fathering is that even though the influence is so great and the responsibility so intense, billions of us have done it. Some have fathered well and some have fathered poorly, but it isn’t exactly a role you go to school for. There is no small segment of professional fathers for the rest of us amateurs to look up to. No, we all have to figure it out and learn and grow as this role in life comes our way.
If there ever was a professional father, it would have to be God himself. He is the ultimate Father. He defines. He protects. He teaches. He leads. He loves. He delights in his children. He gives an identity and a heritage to all who become his own.
One of the strongest words I could give to you is the encouragement to experience God as your Heavenly Father. This comes first by placing your faith and trust in the work of Jesus on the cross in dying substitutionally for your sin and rising from the dead. Secondly, however, this comes through a practical and experiential relationship with the God of heaven, a relationship made possible exclusively by the blood of Jesus. Day by day, week by week, and year by year, as you experience the wonderful fathering ministry of God, you will become strengthened as a man to become a greater father than you ever would be in your own natural ability. Over time, his nature will change and transform you (see 2 Corinthians 3:18). You will always become more like the God you worship.
Perhaps you are yet to discover the joy of receiving direction, correction, and identification from your Father in heaven. If there was ever a time to get on that bus, it’s when a man begins a family. Your family needs you to begin interacting with your Father in heaven like crazy right now. They need you to press in. This can be an extremely difficult thing to do during the busyness of parenting comes into your life.
But this is not the time to shelve your walk with God. This is a time to pick up the pace. Your children need a godly man, a man focused on the priorities and thoughts of God. Your wife needs a spiritual man, a man who is doing everything he can to crush his sinful tendencies and become a servant to his bride.
It is good and wonderful to learn of the practicalities of being a father here on earth, but it is of extreme importance to practice your relationship with your Father in heaven. Place your relationship with him at the center of everything you are. Don’t allow your walk with him to be just one part of who you are, but all of who you are. He must color and influence every other part of your life. Don’t be deceived into thinking this isn’t an important part of your role as a father. Without a strong relationship with your Heavenly Father, you won’t have the strength to provide all that is needed for your family.
Your Marriage on Earth
Let’s rewind the tape and remember how all of this happened in the first place. Somehow, someway, whether in a flash of a moment or through a slow realization over time, you noticed a woman that you wanted to be with. You came to love her. You knew you wanted to be her husband. You committed yourself to her. You covenanted yourself to her exclusively. She became your wife. You became her husband. You became hers. You are now a husband, and this role is of extreme importance.
Remember, you are a married man. This fact, along with an understanding of the romance required to produce a child in the first place, is often the first thing to be forgotten once a baby enters the scene. Couples who were previously lovey-dovey and infatuated with each other can easily kick into survival mode and hunker down for parental duties, forgetting at times that this little baby was a result of their love, not a replacement for it. I’m not saying this is everyone’s experience, nor would I claim this is even a perpetual reality in parenthood, but the early years of a child’s life can be very demanding energy-wise. Oftentimes this is compounded by the simple fact that kids often come in bunches, making it not at all uncommon for a family to find themselves with more than a handful of we-can-pretty-much-only-breathe-without-your-help human beings. This can be taxing, especially in a marriage.
None of this is bad. God can use this season in your life in powerful ways. It might be a season where you strip down your priorities to only the most important, which is a good thing to do from time to time. Your motorcycle, golf clubs, and video games might have to collect dust for a while. It might be a season where God teaches you radical selflessness, perhaps in a way you’ve never experienced up to this point. Of course, it will be a season where God uses you to love and nurture a human life, raising her or him up under your care and protection. All of this is good.
This doesn’t mean that it comes easy. After the birth of our third daughter, life changed quite extensively. I wouldn’t trade those years for anything, but they were definitely physically draining years, years in which we had to roll up our sleeves and do work. In the midst of what can sometimes feel like baby-zone chaos, it is important for a man and a woman to remember that they are husband and wife before they are mom and dad. Forgetting your marriage for the sake of your children can be lethal.
Serve Your Household
Jesus taught servant-leadership with his words and exemplified servant-leadership through his life. He told his disciples that the first must be the last, the greatest must be the least, and the master must be the servant. The night he was arrested and tried, on the eve of the most brutal death imaginable, Jesus washed the feet of his disciples, an illustration of extreme service. In that moment he said, “For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you” (John 13:15). Jesus' selfless act of service should stand as the ultimate illustration of selfless service and sacrificial love for every father.
In searching for a fitting illustration to hammer home the point that we should serve one another, Paul dropped one of the greatest statements in all of God’s Word regarding the incarnation of Christ. He told them to “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:5–8).
Husband, notice the ways Jesus lowered himself for us. First, “He did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped” (v. 6). Jesus, the second person of the Triune Godhead, God himself, did not count his rights and position as something to hold onto, something to grasp for. He let go. He was still God, but he allowed himself to become humbled for us. All too often a husband and father will lock in on his rights, position, and privileges. Any slight or sign of disrespect sets him off. His insecurity is glaring. The godly father, however, is willing to let go of his rights to sacrificially serve his family.
Second, Jesus “emptied himself” (v. 7), a statement pregnant with profound theological implications. Observe other Bible translations for a moment, just to allow this truth to sink into your heart and mind. Jesus “made himself nothing” (NIV), “made himself of no reputation” (NKJV), and “gave up his divine privileges” (NLT). Obviously, Jesus retained his deity, for that could not be shaken from him, but this Royal King of all Kings divested himself of his glory and became a man for us. If Jesus could step out of heaven and into our mess to die for us, I’m sure more of us fathers could put down the clicker, get off the couch, and change a diaper.
Third, note how Jesus emptied himself “by taking the form of a servant” (v. 7). Jesus humbled himself to serve the Father’s will, but also to serve the great need of a lost and broken mankind. Remember, Paul is holding Jesus out as our example, an inspirational reminder that we should not look only to our “own interests, but also to the interests of others” (v. 4). We are to serve. As fathers, it is important to see ourselves as servants within the home. Raising children is an extremely servant-oriented task. It will take years of work. I will never forget a friend of mine who told me that since the Jewish day began at sundown the night before, he tried to come home at the end of his work day feeling fresh like it was a brand-new day to serve his family and get to work. At the end of a long day, you might want to come home and relax, but that just might be the time you are most needed. You might need to roll up your sleeves and play with, listen to, feed, nurture, speak with, read to, clean, or watch your kids. You might be needed in the morning or called upon in the middle of the night. Babies and children don’t have off/on switches, so get ready to be a servant.
Observe—fourth—how Jesus was “born in the likeness of men” (v. 7). God became a man. For us. The God who formed and created everything became flesh and dwelt among us (see Colossians 1:16, John 1:14). When we are overcome by the beauty of the night sky, we remember that the God who made those stars became a man for us. What a servant! What love! Jesus stooped down for us. He who was far came near. What great distance he traveled to serve and save us. If Jesus traveled that great a distance, any distance we would go to lower ourselves and serve another is far less a journey. A good father will be around, incarnationally loving and serving his family by being available to them.
Fifth, notice how “being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient” (v. 8). That Jesus incarnated was humiliation enough, but he was born into a deeply humble situation. Born in a barn, raised in relative poverty, and toiling for years in obedient anonymity, Jesus did not live the life of royalty. He was abased in all ways. Not only was he a man, he was a humble man. He truly lowered himself for those he loved.
And sixth, consider how far his obedience ran: “to the point of death” (v. 8). Jesus was willing to die for those he loved. What great love! Who could ever love like Christ? Here we come face to face with our great need for the Holy Spirit to live within and empower us as fathers. “If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you” (Romans 8:11). You might not ever have an opportunity to actually die for your family, but you will have many opportunities, daily, to die to yourself for your family.
Last, observe the type of death Jesus submitted himself to: “even death on a cross” (v. 8). His wasn’t a death of old age, sickness, or some more merciful form of capital punishment. No, Jesus endured the most shameful and horrible kind of death imaginable when he endured the cross. Now he says to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23). As dads, we are called daily to lay down our lives for our families. We are to spiritually, emotionally, and physically give ourselves up for our families. We belong to them. Finances, hobbies, and schedules should all be seen through this lens. This is the bottom line. We are to serve our families as Christ served us.
It is extremely unfortunate that many men, however, are bullies to their wives. They never serve. They never listen. They never tenderly care for their wives. Instead, they abusively pummel their wives, sometimes even misappropriating Scriptures about her submission and his leadership! These self-willed cowards forget that their leadership is to mirror the leadership of Christ. They are to be sacrificial and loving, giving themselves up in death for their brides. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). Give yourself up for your bride, husband. Lay yourself down for your family, father.
Lead Your Household
I remember an interesting conversation Christina and I once had with our three daughters. We had been reading the gospel of Mark regarding the selection of Jesus' twelve disciples. It was so much fun listening to my seven-year-old as she tried to pronounce some of the names on that list. After talking about a few other observations, Christina asked the girls, “Do you think it’s fair that all of Jesus' apostles were men and not women?” The girls all sat there thinking about it. They slowly confessed that they thought it was fair, mostly because they know Jesus to be good and just, especially as is evidenced on the cross, so surely he wouldn’t behave in an unfair manner.
I then asked them if they thought men were better than women or if boys were better than girls. That question didn’t take them long to answer as they all shouted at me, in the strongest possible terms, that men and boys were in no way superior to women and girls. On the contrary, they argued, they are equal.
I then asked them if God the Father and God the Son are equal. They affirmed the equality within the Triune Godhead. Then I asked them if Jesus, God the Son, had been obedient to the Father. Had the Father led the Son? They affirmed that, yes, he had. I asked them if that made Jesus of lesser quality than the Father. They correctly asserted that he is equal to the Father and the Spirit.
In other words, even though men and women are created equal in the sight of God, just as there are roles within the Godhead, so are there different roles between husbands and wives in a marriage. A husband is never greater in quality, but he is called to be the leader. Paul stated as much to the Corinthians: “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Corinthians 11:3). The proper order is clear. Jesus leads you; you submit and surrender to him; you give him full access and rule in your life. Then, you are to lovingly and gently lead your bride.
In Paul’s first letter to Timothy, concerning pastors, Paul wrote, “He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” (1 Timothy 3:4–5). This isn’t the only requirement Paul listed, but it is fascinating to see the Holy Spirit’s concern for the pastor and his family. Additionally, Paul spoke of the deacons in this way: “Let deacons each be the husband of one wife, managing their children and their own households well” (1 Timothy 3:12). In other words, the deacons were called to have an upstanding family life along with the pastors.
Notice the word Paul used for both of these offices: manage. These spiritual men, men who were to live lives worth imitation, were called to superintend, preside over, protect, care for, give attention to, and lead their families—to manage their households and children. This style of leadership in the home isn’t to be found exclusively among pastors and deacons but is to be the aim of every Christian home and man. To manage the family is the perfect word to describe this fatherly role. To manage well, a father and husband do not need to be involved in the smallest of details but should be involved in the larger-scale decisions that are made within the home, even in moments when he is deferring to the expertise or counsel of another, particularly his own bride.
Unfortunately, many men feel as if they have no permission to “manage their children” or their “own households” at all (1 Timothy 3:12). By listening to the ridiculing voice of culture and the doubts of insecurity in their own minds, many men believe they have nothing to offer when it comes to leadership among their children or home. Many a father will automatically defer to his wife, forcing her to occupy a role she was not designed for. A mother is called to love her husband and her children, but to be placed in the sole leadership position of the family is unbiblical and unhealthy for her.
Don’t get me wrong. Your wife is going to have an incredible amount of wisdom when it comes to leading the children and creating the household you both desire. She will likely think and pray long and hard about each decision made regarding your children, often foreseeing the distant outcomes of today’s decisions generations before they come to pass. There will be thousands of times a simple “yes, dear” will be enough. Your wife will likely think through various parenting styles and perspectives. Her motherly wisdom will likely be beyond compare. Still, you are called to lead, especially in the major and significant philosophical decisions regarding your family. You must be involved. You must manage.
Key Decisions
There are a million decisions to make when it comes to bringing up a family. As a husband and father, you are to lovingly lead discussions with your wife, receive counsel and wisdom from others, and study God’s Word in order to come to the conclusions that are right for you and your family. Here are a few key areas in which you will likely find yourself making decisions:
Family Structure Hopefully, these are matters you have already discussed, but there is a structural philosophy to your family that you and your bride must agree upon. While our culture sometimes frowns upon a woman devoting herself primarily to work inside the home rather than outside of it, Scripture exhorts a young woman to love her husband and children and to pay attention to the home (see Titus 2:4–5). Paul has strong words for those who would refuse to care for their families, stating bluntly, “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8). In a less agrarian and often urban or suburban world, it is important for a husband and wife to come together, discern God's plan for their family, set priorities, and decide what their family structure will look like when it comes to employment and provision.
Child Development There are numerous philosophies readily available to the modern parent. Equipped with a trusty internet connection, you will be able to find 1,001 often conflicting ideas on how to develop a newborn into a fully functioning adult. Many of these decisions are thrust upon us at the outset and can be quite overwhelming. Do I put my baby on a more rigid feeding schedule, or should I feed her whenever she seems to be hungry? Is he to sleep in our bed with us or in his own bassinet or crib and eventually in his own room? Are we going to supplement her diet with formula? Will it be organic? Is he allergic to gluten? It can all be a little much. To be candid, I am more of a sleep-with-my-wife-without-my-kids-putting-a-damper-on-the-experience kind of guy, but if you decide to co-sleep with your kids, you had better be involved in the decision. Don’t tune me out for telling you what we’ve done in our home. I’m only asking you to lovingly lead your family. Come to agreement with your bride, if possible. Be involved with and in the decision-making process.
Disciplinary Method It is good for parents to decide on a style of discipline together. Just remember that Jesus is the one who has to save your kids, not a workbook you bought on Amazon. Remember your Father in heaven. His discipline is consistent, so create a predictable style of discipline versus an arbitrary style where children have no idea what will and will not be punished. Don’t use empty words, promising discipline but never delivering it. Additionally, create a style of discipline that is age-appropriate for your children. You can’t make your two-year-old stay home from prom, nor should you tell your teenager to fold his hands for a silent time-out. Also, allow yourself to be child-flexible when it comes to your discipline style. We all want a method that works for every child, but your kids will come out of the womb freakishly different from one another, so remember the goal of discipline, the future you are trying to lead them to, and be flexible. Discipline should always be forward-looking and future-oriented. Additionally, remember that your discipline must stem from love and relationship, not anger and position, so cultivate your own heart and tender relationship with your children.
Be a Good Man
...the Man Christ Jesus... (1 Timothy 2:5)
In the midst of all of this, it is good for you to remember that you are a man. Yes, you are a son, a husband, a servant, a leader, and a dad, but you have a unique role in your family, that of a man. You might have boys growing up in your home, but you are the only man who lives under that roof. That said, you will perpetually be the readiest definition of manhood your entire family could draw upon. This doesn’t mean you need to get all Rambo on them or anything. You don’t need to start smoking a pipe, begin wearing chaps, or grow a Duck Dynasty beard to display your manliness. Just know that you are the man of the house, the one they look at to tell them what a man is all about.
Responsible
Fortunately, we have a strong model for what a man is all about in Jesus—he is the ultimate man. He wasn’t Adventure Man, Hobby Man, or Obnoxiously Loud Man; he was the sacrificial Son of God who took our burdens and made them his own. This is, of course, a great definition of responsibility. Jesus, the ultimate man, took responsibility for us. He hadn’t caused our problems or created our troubles, but “he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows” (Isaiah 53:4). This wasn’t his one-time act of service, either. He continues to serve us from his position in heaven, since “he always lives to make intercession for us” (Hebrews 7:25). This man above all men became our great servant, responsible for us.
We live in a world screaming for men to take responsibility. If you are young and a man, you are going to spend more on car insurance than any other demographic. That isn’t arbitrary; there’s a reason for it. In our video game–obsessed, pornography-addicted culture, there is a need for a generation of men to rise up to take responsibility.
But this is where we often fall short in our message. Responsibility isn’t just “getting your act together,” purchasing a calendar, and tucking in your shirt. No, Jesus took responsibility. He saw our weakness and our brokenness, and so completely owned it for us. He didn’t leave us to fend for ourselves. The Man Christ Jesus stepped up and took responsibility for you.
God’s men will be responsible for the lives entrusted to their care, including their own. They will sacrificially love and nurture their wives and children, leaving a legacy for generations. Whatever your situation, be a man like Christ and take responsibility.
Committed
Additionally, Jesus committed himself to us. His dedication and devotion chased him all the way to the cross. It is been said that the nails did not hold him to the cross, but that his extreme love and commitment to us held him there. Jesus was all in. He was committed. He was always available to his disciples. He wasn’t iffy about his mission. “I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame” (Isaiah 50:7). Unwaveringly, Jesus committed himself to us.
In the same way, God’s men, including young fathers, are called to be extremely committed men. Our families, especially our brides, ought to know of our deep and covenantal sense of calling to them. They experience security in our commitment.
“Like a bird that strays from its nest is a man who strays from his home” (Proverbs 27:8). Don’t stray. Don’t wander. Throw yourself into your family. Sadly, many men begin to drift from their homes once children are introduced. Dirty diapers, a never-ending workload, and sleep deprivation freak them out. Life isn’t like it was before. Their lack of commitment becomes glaring during these labor-intensive times. Be an unchanging rock of commitment to your family. Be around.
Jesus worked incredibly hard to serve his disciples. They were an endless task. Jesus “Knew well the condition of his flocks, and gave attention to his herds” (Proverbs 27:23). His work toward them was constant. He was committed.
A Work in Progress
One glaring difference between us and Christ—and there are many—is that he is perfect and glorified, without fault or blemish. Fortunately, he is producing the same thing in us. When it comes to his position before God, a believer has been cleansed by the blood of Jesus and is as good as glorified in the sight of God. Oh, the wonderful grace of God! We are complete in him! Additionally, God is practically sanctifying us, drawing the sin out of us, and working in and on us. “Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Thessalonians 5:23). He is faithful.
As men, we are a work in progress. We aren’t to strut around as if our children are the only ones called to grow up. No, with humility we receive the grace of God for change and transformation in our own lives. We also show our wives and children through our words as well as our actions how much we understand the Lord’s desire to grow and change us.
Here are four of those actions, actions that demonstrate our knowledge that we need to grow.
Through accountability to other men, continual submission to spiritual leadership in our lives, and the willingness to sit under the teaching of God’s Word, we show our families our awareness of our deep need. “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another,” so find good and godly men to be with on a regular basis, men who won’t shrink from challenging you, men your wife would respect (Proverbs 27:17). Some men isolate themselves from other men, but “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment” (Proverbs 18:1). Living on his little island of aloneness he convinces himself of his awesomeness and others’ stupidity. Other guys surround themselves with fools, giving their families little hope that someone will speak wisdom into dad’s life. If even a man as great as King David needed godly counselors and friends, so do we (see 1 Chronicles 27:25–33).
Confession of our sins, generally and specifically, to our wives and children will also give them hope that we are growing as men. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Before David finally confessed his secret sin, adultery with Bathsheba and the subsequent murder of her husband, there was death in his bones. He declared, “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long” (Psalms 32:3). There were consequences for him, as there will be for us, but it brought life. Confess. Regularly. To the Lord. To the men in your life. To your wife. To your kids.
The study of God’s Word, personally, corporately, and with the family will evidence our hunger for transformation. A man with a marked-up Bible and a full journal is likely a man who understands his need. “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth” (2 Timothy 2:15). You have an entire life to get into his book. Get after it.
A life of prayer demonstrated through thoughtful, reflective prayers, prayer lists, and solitary moments alone with God will demonstrate a man who knows he is in need of power and strength beyond himself. Prayerlessness is really one of the chief evidences of our pride as it screams of independence, trusting our own devices. “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6–7). Lay it all out before him! he loves you. Cry out to him.
Look, everyone in your life knows you are a work in progress; they just need to know that you know.
A Great Work
I am doing a great work and I cannot come down. Why should the work stop while I leave it? (Nehemiah 6:3)
You and I are called to a great and incredible work. The building of love of family and the raising of a child are both incomparably exciting endeavors. Should God in his grace and providence allow you to father a child, rejoice! This is the opportunity of a lifetime. No matter what your past has looked like, your future, because of Christ, can be so bright.
I know many young men who are embarking on this great journey. Many of them love the Lord and have apprehension and a little bit of fear coursing through their veins. That healthy respect for the role they are stepping into is a good thing. God will use them. God can use you as well. You can do this. As Paul told Timothy, “The Lord stood by me and strengthened me,” and he will also strengthen you (2 Timothy 4:17).