1 Thessalonians 4:3–8 (ESV) — 3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, 5 not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; 6 that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. 7 For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. 8 Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.
No study aimed at shaping Christian men would be complete without dealing with the subject of sexual purity. From Lamech, the first polygamist found in Genesis 4, to David's downfall at the height of his powers, to the Ephesian mob chanting to their sex god in Acts 19, to the final judgment of the sexually immoral in Revelation 17-18, and everywhere in between, God has always warned his people against sexual immorality.
It is important to recognize God has standards regarding our sexuality. In the Bible, fornication is when you engage in sexual activity before (heterosexual) marriage, while adultery is when you engage in sexual activity outside of (heterosexual) marriage. The psychological trauma in children, sexually transmitted diseases, broken homes, unwanted pregnancies, sexual addictions, and the sex slave trade/industry—to name a few—should be evidence enough that all forms of sex outside of marriage between a husband and wife were never God’s intention.
Instead, Satan took a wonderful, enjoyable, and powerful act—a gift from God—and promoted it outside of marriage. In doing so, it was like taking fire out of the fireplace and putting it onto the living room sofa! The fire is good where it belongs and bad where it doesn't belong. So it is with sex. Hebrews 13:4 says:
Hebrews 13:4 (ESV) — "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous."
Even the unmarried in the church should honor marriage. Clearly, a single person should be honored and loved in the ecclesia—and certainly never treated as less than among believers. Jesus and Paul, and other biblical heroes, were single, but the unmarried should know healthy churches will highly esteem marriage, teaching and counseling and aiding those who are maritally attached.
The married in the church should honor marriage in many ways, but the way mentioned in Hebrews is to "let the marriage bed be undefiled." Keeping the marriage bed, the sexual union, unsoiled and uncontaminated, is a significant way to respect the institution.
The common view in our world is that Christianity is repressive and anti-sex, but though Christians might adopt anti-biblical views on sex, the Bible is thoroughly pro-sex. Consider the following verses:
Proverbs 5:18–19 (ESV) — 18 Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, 19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.
Song of Solomon 1:2 (ESV) — 2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine;
Song of Solomon 4:6 (ESV) — 6 Until the day breathes and the shadows flee, I will go away to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense.
Genesis 2:25 (ESV) — 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
1 Corinthians 7:3 (NLT) — 3 The husband should fulfill his wife's sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband's needs.
My reason for using the New Living Translation for this last verse is the hesitancy of many other Bible translations to make the passage clear. Instead of talking about sexual needs, they use phrases like marital responsibility, duty, due affection, and conjugal rights. But modern readers might miss the meaning. "Sexual needs" comes closer to Paul's intention.
So Scripture is clear. God is interested in promoting the sexual life of heterosexual married couples. To him, sex inside marriage is beautiful. It was part of his original and untainted creation (Genesis 2:24-25). One reason it is beautiful inside marriage, but not outside it, is that inside marriage, it is intended to be safe, build trust, serve someone else, lead to a family, and be marital glue. Because of sin, it might not be these things inside a particular marriage, but outside marriage, it is never these things.
If you are married, do not invite impurity into your marriage. Don't allow lust or pornography or abuse or neglect or atrophy into the marriage bed. The fire of sexual love belongs in the fireplace of marital commitment. If put in any other place, the fire harms, but in its proper context, it warms and helps.
Resisting Sexual Temptation
Now, when it comes to resisting sexual temptation—avoiding sexual immorality—Paul gives us some solid instruction in 1 Thessalonians 4. He said:
1 Thessalonians 4:3 (ESV) — 3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality.
To me, this is a good place for us to turn because the Thessalonian culture was a sexually immoral one, much like ours—one we can relate to much more easily than the biblical Jewish culture with its embedded morals and respect for the law of God. Rooted in Greco-Roman thinking, they had it all—fornication, adultery, homosexuality, pedophilia, and more pornographic and erotic perversions and practices than I care to name. On top of all that, they had mystery religions that came prepackaged with prostitution as a part of their worship services.
We also live in an increasingly sexually immoral culture. This culture believes that man is basically good, so only the most heinous activities should not be tolerated, meaning you have to be a modern-day Hitler to qualify for the wrath of God, while the rest of us are just pretty good people who mess up from time to time. This, combined with the belief that sex is merely a biological function, means our culture believes we should be controlled by our urges, not any divine standard. To them, anything consensual goes, so casual sex will pervade. Because sex is worshipped so highly, any potential mate must be tested for sexual compatibility before anything close to a marriage commitment is made.
The first thing we must discover as Christian men is that God is interested in our sexual purity. Have you ever wanted to know the will of God for your life? Well, Paul states clearly that the will of God is our sanctification and that we should abstain from sexual immorality (1 Thessalonians 4:3). God isn’t nosy or overstepping his bounds but is a loving Father who longs for us to experience the very best. So let's consider how and why we should resist sexual temptation.
How #1: Control Your Own Body
Paul then told the Thessalonians how to avoid sexual immorality in three distinct ways. Here’s the first one:
“…that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor…” (1 Thessalonians 4:4)
The first step a Jesus guy needs to take in avoiding sexual immorality is to get control of his own body. Before we were in Christ, we were ruled and dominated by our passions. Now, however, we are told to know how to control our own bodies.
This first step is genius because the common myth is that men cannot help themselves and they cannot control their own bodies. Men commonly believe their actions are subservient to the desires, tastes, and passions of their bodies. The Corinthians used this same argument with Paul. They told Paul that just as food was meant for the stomach and the stomach was meant for food, so was sexual activity meant for the body, and the body was meant for sexual activity. They used this logic to explain why they had no control over themselves. But Paul corrected their faulty logic when he said:
“Now the body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body” (1 Corinthians 6:13).
In other words, while it might be true that a stomach finds its highest fulfillment with food, the body does not find its highest fulfillment with sex. The body was made for God and finds its highest fulfillment in and with God. By getting into the word of God and walking in the Spirit of God, we will be able to, more and more, gain control over our bodies.
Christian men are under new management. We have been purchased by the precious blood of Jesus Christ—our lives are no longer our own. God has loved us, does love us, and will love us, so we now spend our lives responding to his love. He is restoring us in the image we lost at the fall, and we seek to walk with him all life long.
In a sense, we believe our lives aren't really ours because they belong to God. But in another sense, this life is most definitely ours—the flavor, tenor, and focus of our lives are up to us. And the way we choose to live is important to God but also to the world around us. No man is an island—we impact others with our decisions. As Paul said:
“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body” (1 Corinthians 6:19–20).
So aim to glorify God in your body (1 Corinthians 6:20). Make no mistake; this is a battle. There are elements at play designed to keep you from living this eternally valuable life. One major hindrance to living this lifestyle is the world system that wars against your soul. Like gravity, the world pulls against everything you do. Additionally, there is an invisible enemy called the devil who controls a powerful and real army of demonic forces.
But our bodies are the enemy we carry around with us—the weakness of our own flesh, bodies that have already enjoyed the pleasures of sin. Though we are new creatures in Christ Jesus, these bodies have tasted—and have a taste for—sin. Since the world, devil, and flesh are real, the Christian man can anticipate a constant struggle with temptation.
How #2: Expect To Live Counter-Culturally
“…not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God…” (1 Thessalonians 4:5)
In other words, the believing man must understand he is called to live a countercultural life. He is not to operate in the passion of lust like those who do not know God.
This expectation is important to the success of living a sexually pure life. You cannot expect the culture to hold the same biblical values you are going to hold when it comes to sexuality. Your standards and lifestyle will be different. You have to expect to be mocked, scoffed at, and ridiculed. You have to be prepared for funny conversations and odd looks. Why don’t you sleep with your girlfriend? Why don’t you want to look at this porn? Why don’t you entertain the thought of an affair? The reality is that you are different.
And you definitely are different. “Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul” (1 Peter 2:11). According to Peter, we are pilgrims and sojourners; we don’t belong here. This world is not our home. When Jesus offered up his body on the cross for our redemption, his full intention was to bring many sons to glory (Hebrews 2:10). He has gone to prepare a place for us and will one day return to take us to our eternal home, a home far greater and more significant than our home on earth (John 14:2-3). If like Abraham, you are longing for that future city whose designer and builder is God, then you will expect to live a countercultural life (Hebrews 11:10).
As a believer, you must expect your lifestyle will be different. Your society might embrace a different sex ethic as normative, but God has a different brand of life for you. “Flee sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18).
How #3: Consider Others Over Yourself
“that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter…” (1 Thessalonians 4:6)
This is one of the more interesting steps Paul delivers to the Thessalonians on how to free yourself from sexual immorality. Basically, Paul tells them to consider how their sexual sin is going to affect others. In other words, the believing man should consider others over himself when it comes to his sexual activity.
This applies in three distinct ways. First, we hurt the person we have entered into the sin with. The word “brother” could simply indicate mankind. So, Paul is telling us that our sexual impurity actually negatively impacts humanity in some way. It might seem like a drop in the bucket to us, but we are actually polluting said bucket with our sexual immorality.
So those we engage in sexual immorality with are cheapened, operating a less than the image God gave them. They have given a piece of themselves away. Even if they are a person on a digital screen, they have been hurt in that exchange.
Second, we hurt those close to us. Our families (or future families) are harmed by our sexual sin. Husbands are weakened, disabled from leadership and love in their marriage. Fathers become less than what they could have been. Families are broken up. Friendships are strained. Community groups become awkward. Your sexual sin hurts these relationships.
We must consider how our sexual sin affects those closest to us. Our children, both present and future, will be negatively affected by our sexual sin. Obviously, our wives or future wives will also be hurt through our sexual sin. This applies even if they were the girlfriend or fiancé we fornicated with before marriage. Either way, it is a hurtful sin that must be dealt with.
Third, we hurt the body of Christ. You might not ever meet the believers from China. Yet, in an unseen but very real way, your sexual sin hurts them. The reason for this is simple: sexual sin weakens the church, locally and universally. When the church is weakened in one place, all the body suffers with it. You might feel it is a drop in the bucket, but it isn’t.
We must consider how our sexual sin affects our family in Christ. The church is defrauded when individuals inside of the church live outside of the boundaries God has given us sexually. None of us would want to be guilty of taking the members of Christ and making them members of a harlot (see 1 Corinthians 6:15).
This is part of the reason Paul urged the Thessalonians to make certain they didn’t wrong their brother in this matter. Consider the seriousness of stumbling a brother with the words of Christ: “but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matthew 18:6).
I know many good, married Christian men who, after being convicted of their sexual sin with their fiancés before marriage, decided they needed to deal with their sin by apologizing to their wives for that past sin and lack of leadership. Many of them have taken it a step further by confessing their sin to other brothers in Christ and pastors or elders. The refreshment that comes from true repentance is life-giving (Acts 3:19). These men are heroes to me.
Why #1: God’s Vengeance
“because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you…” (1 Thessalonians 4:6)
There is, of course, the question of why. Some of this is already seen in the how, but Paul takes the time to say, “because.” he is willing to give us a few reasons to pursue sexual purity and morality in our lives.
Understand, this is grace. God is under no obligation to tell us why he wants us to behave in certain ways. He is God. He is Lord. We are to submit to him. Still, his commands are for a good reason. His love means his commands are for our best. To live a life of sexual morality is the best version of life. God designed it to be this way.
And the first reason Paul give is that God is the avenger in this area of life—and in all areas. There is the final judgment, of course, but God is busy working even now. Obedience leads to great blessing, while sin has pain embedded within it.
In other words, one great motive for sexual purity is the vengeance of God. God is a just judge, and it is his responsibility and duty to discipline for sin. Not only that, but he has promised to build in consequences for sexual immorality. Damaged marriages, broken families, divorce, disease, absence of the blessing of God, lost eternal rewards, and even death are some of the consequences attached to this sin.
Don’t expect to get away with sexual sin. It is crippling. As I wrote above, sexual sin leads to damaged people, damaged marriages, and damaged families. Divorce, disease, and disappointment flow from sexual sin. The hand of the Lord is removed from your life. The blessing of God begins to dry up.
This is a major reason for sexual purity: “Because the Lord is an avenger in all these things.” We know God doesn’t let this activity slide. We know He is going to judge it eternally. We know Jesus shed His blood for this. How could we act as if it is acceptable to enter into? We can’t.
Why #2: God’s Calling
“…For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness…” (1 Thessalonians 4:7)
God has a higher and better calling for us. Why avoid sexual sin? Because God has called us to a more honorable and exalted type of life. He’s called us to something much better. We are not powerless creatures left to follow the impulses of our bodies like animals but are instead called to be figureheads for justice, patriarchs of godly generations, and leaders of people.
God has put a calling upon our lives. If you’re a believer, you are resting in His election. He chose you. You rejoice at His adoption, His grace.
To willingly persist in sexual sin disregards this calling. The urging of the New Testament is clear: “walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called” (Ephesians 4:1). We must say to ourselves, “In Christ, I am better than this. God has remade me. He has a purpose for me. This isn’t it.”
Why #3: God’s Spirit
“…Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you…” (1 Thessalonians 4:8)
Finally, we don’t engage in sexual immorality because of God’s Spirit within us: “Therefore he who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who has also given us his Holy Spirit” (1 Thessalonians 4:8). God has put his Spirit within us, which means he has also put his law into our minds and written it upon our hearts. He is our God, and we are his people. Our identity has been so changed by our interaction with God in the Gospel that it no longer makes sense to live the lifestyle wired to engage in sexual immorality.
“And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules” (Ezekiel 36:27). This is promised to us. The Spirit within us would not lead us into sexual sin. If we go there, it is not because God’s Spirit is leading us. No, something else has led us there.
“But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh” (Galatians 5:16).
Help!
Everything I've taught so far in this Jesus Famous Men's study will help you deal with sexual immorality. Your prayer life, for instance, which we touched on last month, will provide you with great spiritual strength in the face of lust. Likewise, learning how to be a student of scripture will equip you with one of the greatest weapons of all to combat the fiery darts of the wicked one. Being a part of a healthy church, serving, and getting into a solid community of believers will all work wonders for your sexual integrity.
When it comes to this particular sin, however, it is important to put on a full-on frontal attack. Right after explaining that looking at a woman with lust in your heart is actually tantamount to adultery in the sight of God, Jesus said:
“If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell” (Matthew 5:29–30).
In other words, be ridiculously aggressive in avoiding this sin. Disable the Internet. Discover an accountability group. Throw away your smartphone. Tell others. Whatever you have to do, do it.
My house is located at the base of a small mountain. The forest on this mountain has been undeveloped and unhindered, so it has grown quite thick. During the winter months, because of the forest growth, the sunlight never gets to my backyard, which means all kinds of weird things grow in my backyard in the winter. During the summer months, however, the sun hits that ground once again, and strange growths cease. This is similar to our lives. When we walk in the darkness, strange growths occur. Bad things happen. Instead, get in the light. Be honest. Get help. Expose your temptations and struggles and watch the power of God come flooding in.
Law, License, and Liberty
Maybe this strikes a chord with you, but perhaps with a bit of reservation. After all, you know Christians are not under the law but are under grace. We have a love relationship with God. And maybe this all sounds a bit stringent to you, a bit legalistic.
It is true that some believers respond to God with legalism—they think they can earn God's favor. But legalism has both a too low view of God's holy perfection and too high a view of personal ability.
Others respond to legalism by trending towards license—they are so tired of any rule or regulation that they run toward every impulse and demand God accept them as they are. But license is not a real relationship with God because every relationship with someone else has embedded responsibilities. As a husband and father, it is love that pushes me to fulfill my obligations to them, and I don't despise those obligations just because they put a restriction on me. Love embraces the restriction.
And others live forever in Christian limbo—they think they can balance the legalism and license positions by avoiding every extreme and living right in the middle. The goal of this believer is “to not be too legalistic” but also to avoid “going too far” into liberties. Like Jonny Cash, this person wants to walk the line. This produces a schizophrenic type of believer who bounces wildly between a few rules and regulations and moments of needing to “tap into their wild side.” This kind of Christian has a Bible, goes to church, and maybe serves a little bit, but still has to party from time to time or sleep with the person he or she dates in order to keep from being too legalistic. This is not the way.
Finally, there is the believer who has discovered the grace of God to an incredible degree—this person has discovered liberty. James described this person:
“So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty” (James 2:12).
Liberty communicates the idea of being set free, and that is what has happened in this believer’s life. For this person, it’s not about legalism, license, or some kind of juggling act between the two, but absolute freedom to follow and love God with all of their heart, mind, soul, and strength. This kind of Christian doesn’t want to obey God or follow his dictates in order to earn anything from him, but simply because of a love for him. This believer longs to be well-pleasing in his sight. His grace has so impacted this person’s soul that this kind of believer can’t help but live for him. There is no begrudging obligation in his or her relationship with God, but a healthy brand of thankfulness which leads to a feeling of responsibility toward God.
I call this liberty because this person is able to live a truly free kind of life. To be blunt, this person can have sex with whoever they want, drink as much as they want, and buy whatever they want, simply because God has won over this believer’s heart. The chief desire of this believer is to please him. In response to God’s wonderful grace, this Christian only wants to enjoy sex with the spouse God gave him, never wants to become intoxicated with any substance, and wants God to direct his spending habits. This is where I long to be.