1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
(7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.)
What the Gospel Does to Marriage
The history of marriage is fraught with ugliness and despair. In many cultures and societies, women have been treated as property or objects, often without any recourse, but the gospel gives hope. Jesus envisioned marriage as going back to the Garden of Eden, where husband and wife were one flesh, helping and serving one another in a sacrificial, covenantal, two-person community. So, as believers, we know the gospel does beautiful things to marriage. It takes it from the world of contract (if you make me happy with your actions, I will try to make you happy) -- and brings it to the world of covenant (I am here for you no matter what). It takes marriage from the realm of risk (I hope this doesn't crush me) to the realm of safety (I am completely known and still safe with this person). It takes marriage from a competition between the sexes (I am better than you) to a longing to complement the other (how can I help you flourish?). It takes marriage from law to grace. The gospel is good for marriage.
It is with this knowledge that passages like ours might be initially shocking. It is filled with words like subjection, submission, lord, and weaker. Some of the phrases make the modern person cringe. This is ironic for two reasons. First, the original hearers of this whole passage, including the slave passage from our last study, would have felt these words were affirming and empowering. Slaves and wives in that society were not given the dignity of sorting out their own response to God. Society had an expectation of them, and they were not consulted in the process. Here, however, the apostle addresses them as they are: humans made in God's image, people who could make decisions that glorified God. And the second reason our modern repulsion to some of these phrases is ironic is that we would never have had that repulsion unless the gospel had come. In societies where Jesus' message has never taken root, the rights of women, the poor, or children are not taken seriously. It is only because of Jesus' influence that we have these emotions in the first place.
All that said, we have a great opportunity in front of us. God has a vision for how his people should live. We are a holy nation inside unholy nations. We are an alternate society inside mainstream societies, which means our marriages will often operate differently than the world around us. So how does God want us to live? What does exilic Christianity (and exilic marriage) look like?
Our Plan
And over the next three weeks, including today, we are going to try to answer that question. This week we will focus on Exile Wives. Next week, Exile Husbands. And then, I would like to take an additional week to glean principles for dating from this passage -- Exile Dating. I think the timing is perfect because this Saturday morning, the pastors (and our wives) are hosting a brief marriage conference for you. Please register by clicking "events" on the bottom of calvary.com.
But I would like to try one additional thing over the next few weeks. I would like to talk to you about marriage with my wife, Christina. So, during the next three Sundays, if you have questions about marriage and dating, please text your questions to our church number (831-277-7999) or DM our Calvary Monterey account on Instagram or Facebook. After this three-week series, Christina and I will sit down in the studio and answer some of the questions the team gives us. If everything goes according to plan, we will release those to you in the week after recording. So please send in your questions if you have them. Let's grow in our marriages and perspectives!
Delicate Issues
I also wanted to mention that this entire subject (and passage) can be delicate. Many in the church would like to be married but are not. So talk about marriage could be painful. And many marriages are filled with pain. Some Christian marriages are only half-Christian because one spouse is not in Christ and does not want to pursue him. And some marriages are downright dangerous. Nothing Peter says here is meant to put a woman in danger of any kind. If a man is abusive or threatening, Peter's exhortation that wives be subject (or submissive) to their husbands was never meant to excuse an abusive environment.
But we must push through because the health of our church's marriages has a major impact on our community. We all -- single and married -- need a vision for marriage.
So for today, we are looking at Exile Wives. How does the apostle see them? What are Christian wives to be like?
1 Exile Wives Have Jesus As Their Model (1).
1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands...
Like All Believers
Over the past three weeks, we have noted a theme of submission. Citizens were meant to be subject to the governing authorities. Servants were to be subject to their masters. And, today, wives were to be subject to their husbands.
Peter began this exhortation to wives with a word: likewise (1). It was his way of drawing the wives back to the same motivation the servants tapped into. Peter had just told them all about Jesus, how he did not return hostility for hostility. He did not verbally respond to their threats. He sacrificed himself for those who sinned against him. And he entrusted himself to the Father, who would justly judge everyone for their actions (see 1 Peter 2:21-25).
And Jesus is every believer's model -- it's clear Peter thinks this way. He doesn't think these aspects of Jesus' nature are for only servants and wives, but every Christian.
Submission Defined
But, beyond drawing their attention back to Jesus, Peter wanted the wives to -- just as Jesus was subject to the authorities while committing himself to God -- submit themselves to their husbands while committing themselves to God (1, 5-6).
To me, once a Christian marriage has devolved into a discussion on submission, it is in serious trouble. It will never be the central issue in a thriving marriage. In fact, in a healthy marriage, there will be much mutual submission. Before Paul told Christian wives to submit to their own husbands as to the Lord, he to believers to "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21-22). Just as a single-lane bridge will have a yield sign on both sides, so a good Christian marriage will have two people who are ready to yield. And the second the husband starts telling his wife she needs to submit, the dude has lost.
That said, I do not want to diminish the significance of Peter's (or Paul's) words. Some have tried to dilute the word "subjection" or "submission" to mean something like being lovingly thoughtful or considerate. But this is not a legitimate way to see this word, partly because every time this word is used in the New Testament, it speaks of submitting to the authority of another. As a child, Jesus submitted to his parents. Demons were subject to Jesus' disciples. The Bible says citizens are subject to the government, the universe and unseen spiritual powers are subject to Christ, Jesus is submissive to the Father, church members are subject to church leaders and to Christ, and that we are also subject to God. None of those roles are ever reversed.
All this to say, it's clear that even though a healthy marriage will display mutual submission, the idea of submission flows in a specific direction. In the home, the husband ought to take the lead. I pray -- and I will hash this out next week -- that it is loving, servant-leadership like Christ for his bride, but he is to take the lead.
None of this should be taken as a pathway to chauvinism; this is not Peter's way of saying the men are better. When Paul built this case, he appealed to the creation. Adam and Eve were made equal in God's sight, but God gave each of them a role to play before him and each other. But this is often hard for us to understand because we usually think of leadership as a position to be earned, not bestowed, so the person with the most schooling, talent, or success should take the lead. But the apostles didn't see the leadership of the husband as a result of his quality, but his calling. To take the lead in the home is not a position to be earned, but one bestowed from Father God through the Son to Christian husbands.
So what is submission, then? In biblical submission, the wife makes a choice to place herself, as an equal, under her husband. She comes under his lead, as Jesus does to the Father and like the church should for Christ, for the effectiveness of the marriage and family. Just as the church works best when Jesus is the functional leader, so the marriage and family work best when the man is lovingly leading and serving his wife and children.
Unfortunately, however, this beautiful ideal is often not the reality. Peter knew that many wives in the church were married to unbelieving or disobedient men. And when the ideal is not happening, there is sometimes a question about how far submission should go. To that, we should answer: it should never go into ungodliness. This is clear because Peter said submission would include reverence for God and pure conduct (2). If submitting to her husband requires a wife to disobey God, she must not submit. Just as Christian citizens will do all they can to obey the governing authorities without crossing into sin, so the Christian wife will do all she can to follow her husband, yet without sin.
2 Exile Wives Want to Persuade Towards Jesus (1-2).
1b ...So that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct.
The Goal
This is a fascinating statement from Peter. When Paul wrote about marital submission, he used theological reasoning. God created man first and gave him that role. Just as the Son follows the Father, even though they are equal, so the wife should follow the husband. But Peter is not making a theological case for submission, but an apologetic one. He wants people to know Jesus! So he wanted the church to behave in ways he thought would lead to as many people as possible knowing him. And he thought unbelieving husbands might be won to Christ without a word by the conduct of their wives (1).
The Method
It is important to note the method Peter thought would persuade many husbands to turn to Christ. First, he thought they would be more prone to receive a wordless message. This is a counterintuitive approach because when someone doesn't know their need for God and his gospel, we want to explain their need for God and his gospel. But Peter wanted wives to show their unbelieving husbands the power of the gospel through the way they lived. Just as Christian citizens are to put to silence their opponents by devoting themselves to good works (2:15), and Christian servants should shock their workplace by enduring even when treated unfairly (2:20), so Christian wives should jolt their unbelieving husbands with their actions and not their words.
But Peter also said these wives would be respectful and have pure conduct (2). It would be natural to think he's talking about the way the wives are to treat their husbands, but his letter is full of exhortations telling Christians to walk respectfully towards God. And that fear of the Lord is what Peter is talking about here. He wants Christians -- including wives -- to live in a way that communicates God's authority over their lives. And pure conduct will result. Not because a husband or master or politician told us to do something, but because we fear God.
This is usually the most effective approach. Imagine a pizza restaurant employing a guy to stand on the street with a big sign, spinning it, and he busily tries to recruit people to come on in a buy some pizza. That's one way to do it. Or, as my favorite pizza place does, they can make really great pizza and pump the smell of it out into the neighborhood. Pretty soon, plenty of people will want pizza. Wordless. But effective.
The ancient and important theologian, Augustine, watched his own father come to Christ this way. For years, his mother served her unbelieving husband, but, finally, when he was about to die, he submitted himself to Christ. Augustine wrote in his prayer journal to God: "She gained him for you."
3 Exile Wives Understand True Beauty (3-4).
3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.
Adorning Defined
This is another sentence ripe for misunderstanding. We live in a time where we are, in many ways rightfully, sensitive to anyone telling women how to look or dress. For far too long, men have looked however they want, and not many voices rise up to police their behavior, but women all over the world in various cultures are told what they must or must not wear.
Even in our recent Olympic games, there were minor uproars on both sides. In some of the sports, organizers were confronted about skimpy outfits for women, while the men performed more fully clothed. On the other hand, at least one female track athlete rebuked an official for saying her shorts were too small. She made it clear: "I can wear what I want."
However, Peter is not following a long line of religions that seek to regulate the clothing of its female adherents. Peter meant that Christian women must know that their main source of beauty comes from within, in the heart, and is imperishable. This is consistent with the rest of Scripture, much of which praises women for their unique beauty in the sight of God and man. Even in the context of Peter's statement, he will praise many of the Old Testament women for their character, women who were often also praised for their beautiful appearance. But Peter wants godly women to know that their internal beauty is much more precious in God's sight (and therefore in the sight of anyone who is godly).
This makes sense when looking at the actual words Peter used. He did not say, "don't let your beauty be external," but "don't let your adorning be external." Some translations try to add clarity to Peter's statement about clothing by adding a description: fine clothing. But Peter only wrote the Greek word for clothing -- he didn't say what kind. But it would be nonsense to understand him as saying, "Don't braid your hair. Don't wear gold jewelry. And don't wear clothes." No! What Peter means is that a godly woman should not find her primary beauty in anything external.
It is important for Exile Wives, and all Christian women for that matter, to resist society's message that your appearance is where your true beauty lies. And that's the world we live in. Even when it prioritizes gender equality or claims goodness, much of culture pushes a self-assertive, sex-obsessed, materially prosperous, and physically perfect outward image as the ideal. But this runs counter to the word of God. There, we learn that God is interested in the heart and that a woman's beauty does not have to peak in her younger years.
Proverbs 31:30 (NKJV)—30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
As believers, we must watch out for entanglement or enslavement to the world's value system. Our fitness level, our look, or our clothing can all entrap us and give us the confidence and security that we should get from God. And when you live by that sword, you die by it too, so if you get your value from looking good, what happens on the days (or decades) when you don't?
I, for one, believe fashion and beauty must be put in their proper place. To me, I think they can be an expression of the gospel and lordship of Christ. Our fitness (taking care of our bodies) can be a way the Spirit evidences the fruit of self-control and discipline. Our beauty can serve as a testimony of God's ability to create beauty from ashes. Even our clothing can serve as a way to demonstrate that Jesus is Lord of our lives if we dress in a way that would honor him, the one who clothes us with righteousness. To me, these attitudes are better than looking for a line not to cross. Instead, believers can redeem fashion and beauty by living them out for God's glory, all the while acknowledging that they are nothing compared to the beauty of the inward person.
Another thing I should say here is that Peter is not rebuking Christian women who have big personalities. When he said there is an imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, very precious in God's sight, he did not mean that a funny or quick-witted or leadership-oriented woman is out of line. But, within the context of following in marriage and their walk with God, it is good to be gentle and quiet in spirit (4). In spirit. Internally. We should long for our inner person to be beautiful and submissive to God. God sees this and is pleased.
So, though I know people are trying to look good for as long as they can, believers should not fall into the trap of chasing external beauty harder than we chase godliness. We are all getting older. Paul said:
2 Corinthians 4:16 (NIV)—16 Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
But too many are spending thoughts, prayers, money, and time pursuing outward appearance that they should be spending on their internal appearance. It can be a bottomless pit. Many of us spend lots of time looking in the mirror but don't often hold up the mirror of God's word to more accurately see our inner person. But the inner person is who matters more, and our inner character can become more and more beautiful as the years tick by. I, for one, want to have as much hair (on my head) as I can, as much strength as I can, and as little fat as I can, for as long as I can, but not at the expense of godliness. I plan to die one ugly old dude who is attractive for his love and grace and wisdom.
4 Exile Wives Are Secure When Marriage Is Hard (5-6).
5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
Look to Sarah's Example
Here, Peter holds out the holy women of the Old Testament, especially Sarah, as godly wives who were secure in God even when marriage was hard (5-6). If you aren't familiar with Sarah and Abraham, you can read their story in Genesis. God chose Abraham for great blessing, and because Abraham was justified when he believed God, he became the father of the faith. But being Abraham's wife was not always easy.
For one, there were some crucial times Abraham listened to Sarah when he shouldn't have. Her counsel to him about how to produce an heir through their female servant was catastrophic. But then there were times Abraham operated in fear, and in those cases, Sarah was especially vulnerable. On two occasions, Abraham told Sarah to pretend to be his sister when in hostile territory. He was nervous that the kings of the regions he and Sarah visited would kill Abraham because Sarah was so beautiful -- if he was her husband. But as her "brother," he felt he had a better chance. But this endangered Sarah!
Yet Peter rejoices that Sarah obeyed/followed Abraham into his folly (6). How did she do it? She hoped in God, Peter says (5). She did good, and didn't fear anything that was frightening (6). Though it was a terrifying experience to follow Abraham in those moments, her fears were calmed by hoping and trusting in God.
Secure in God
You see, even when marriage is hard, especially for the wife, the believing wife is secure in God. If your husband won't work, God can provide for you. If your husband wants to be a pro-gamer, God can give your life meaning. If your husband is foolish, God can preserve you. If your husband won't obey God, God can watch over you. If your husband puts your finances or future in jeopardy, God has a secure future for you. You are secure in God.
Conclusion
Christian marriages should look different. Today we have thought mostly about wives, and next week we will consider the husband's role.