7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Husbands Must Submit To God
The theme of the passage we have been studying for the past three weeks is submission. First, Peter taught Christian citizens to submit to the governing authorities. Then he told Christian servants to submit to their masters. Finally, he instructed Christian wives to submit to their own husbands. Each passage was (and is) challenging, but each also represents the heart and mind and example of Christ who laid down his life without returning hostility for hostility.
Today, though Peter doesn't tell Christian husbands to submit, he begins his instruction to them with the word "likewise" (7). This connective word helps us remember that every Christian is meant to submit. Every believer is meant to be submissive to someone. Even though these believing husbands are not told to submit to their wives, they are told to submit to God. Exile Husbands must be men who follow God no matter what.
And part of a husband's submission to God is submission to the role God has designed for him. This means Christian husbands should look different from society's husbands. So today, we will ask: What does God want for husbands? If wives should submit to their husband's lead, what should his leadership look like? How can an Exile Husband lead well?
1. Live With Her In An Understanding Way
7a Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way,
Understanding
I think the church has often dabbled in stereotypes when it comes to the differences between men and women. Not every man is a belching, sports-loving, Homer Simpson. Nor is every woman into needlepoint and potpourri. Men can be poets and musicians, kind and sensitive, or good conversationalists. Women can be athletic and active, handy and hardworking, or decisive and strong.
Still, it should be obvious there are some major, general differences between the sexes. Because of this, many men have become intimidated by Peter's instruction. Married Christian men must live with their wives in an understanding way (7). Immediately, many men wonder, how will I ever understand her? Some translations even pick up on this apprehension by instead saying husbands should be considerate of their wives (NIV). But the idea of the word Peter used concerns gaining knowledge. This means marriage is a place of learning. Time to go to school, gentlemen.
Let me give you two words of solace before giving you some instruction. First, Peter didn't say you have to understand all women, just that you have to try to understand one woman, your bride. The rest of them can be a complete and total mystery. Second, as I heard one wise woman advise, even if you don't understand your wife, you can still be understanding toward your wife. With gentleness, patience, and kindness, you can make space for her to safely become known and understood. If you are a Christ-following husband who wants to submit to God's leadership of your life, you will seek to understand your wife's feelings, perspectives, priorities, needs, dreams, fears, and hopes. You will work hard to understand your bride.
7 Ways To Understand Your Wife
So let's think about some ways a husband can live with his wife in an understanding way:
1. Devote time and energy to the task. One of the myths of our modern time is that a good marriage shouldn't take any work. No one says this directly, but this is implied when people look around for a compatible spouse who will not seek to change them. Good luck. We are too different, too broken, and too sinful not to require change after getting married. Marriage takes work. And work takes time. One of the best decisions Christina and I made early in our marriage was to have a weekly date night. It is during those times together I can ask questions and (perpetually) get to know my wife. A man cannot possibly understand his wife without devoting time and energy to the task.
2. Study Scripture, especially about biblical marriage. At a recent family movie night, my girls elected to watch Napoleon Dynamite, one of my all-time favorites, so I jumped at the chance. In one of its most iconic scenes, the protagonist is discouraged because he doesn't have any good skills, and "girls only want boyfriends who have great skills." When asked what he means, he replies, "nunchuk skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills..."
The Christian husband should want to get some marriage skills! And we can grow in these skills by looking into the word of God. You are meant to understand your bride. The Bible says a lot about her design, your design, and his will for the both of you together. And there are so many great books and Bible studies that can help the Christian man grow in his marital skills. Just yesterday, at our marriage conference, many books were suggested by our pastoral team. Read them.
3. Ask lots of open-ended questions. Some women are naturally expressive and don't need much prompting. Others must be drawn out. Either way, a husband can learn a lot about his wife by asking her questions. These questions must be sincere, not mechanical; you must be all-in while you ask the question. Wait for her response. Listen. Do what you can to get her talking.
4. Learn about her personality. Many modern personality profile systems offer free tests online. Getting your wife to take one or two of those tests (and doing them yourself) can be a great way to spark dialogue about who she is and what drives her.
5. Tell her what you think you're hearing. By repeating what you think she just said or meant, you can find out if you are growing in your understanding. I have been amazed at how many times I have thought I understood what Christina meant, only to find we were worlds apart. Digesting her words out loud can help correct those mistakes.
6. Take a humble posture. If a husband approaches his wife with pride, he will inevitably think his thoughts and ways are superior to hers. And as long as a guy thinks his wife's thoughts and ways are inferior to his, he will never understand her well. One wise husband told me, "I try to believe my wife is right until she's proven wrong." Since we are designed to complement each other, a wife's perspective often won't make immediate sense to the husband. It will seemingly have nothing to do with the issue at hand. But, through careful listening and question asking, you will grow in wisdom once you understand her perspective. All this takes a humble posture.
7. Be safe and approachable. Revealing yourself to someone else can be intimidating. Husbands can encourage their wives to vulnerably share who they are with them by providing a safe and approachable environment. If he responds to his wife with hostility, anger, or argument, it will become harder for her to open up to him.
Live With Your Wife In An Understanding Way
We could list many more ways a husband can grow in his understanding of his wife, but we must move on. Before we do, I should point out something obvious: the knowledge must be applied. It is one thing to learn about your wife, but Peter wants us to live with her according to that knowledge. Apply what you learn.
2. Honor Her As The Weaker Vessel
7b showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel,
Weaker Vessel?
The Exile Husband should dwell with his wife in an understanding way, but he should also honor her as the weaker vessel (7). Before thinking about what it means to honor the woman, we have to define what Peter meant by "weaker vessel" (7).
The second word is easier to define than the first. A vessel is a household utensil used for containing liquids or foods. The idea of human beings as vessels is not alien to Scripture. Every believer is in an instrument in God's house, a vessel for his use. Men are vessels. Women are vessels.
But Peter says that the wife is a weaker vessel than her husband. He doesn't say how so many have speculated about his meaning. As you might expect, many interpreters have run off into wild or inappropriate directions, portraying women as hysterical people without any control of their emotions, people who aren't capable of the real rigors of life. Please.
Some of these more outlandish interpretations have caused some to think Peter only had physical strength in mind. And, generally, especially in societies where men regularly engaged in physical labor and chores from a young age, they are stronger than women. It is a fact of biology.
But I don't think Peter is telling husbands to honor their wives because they are physically stronger than their wives. Within the context of this section, the weakness Peter is thinking of consists of two elements. First, Peter has just finished talking to citizens who are subjects of the government, slaves who are subject to their masters, and wives whom he told to submit to their husbands. These wives, in other words, were in a position of weakness, not power, and the husbands needed to understand this without abusing it. Secondly, brutish husbands might use their position and their physical strength against their wives. Peter thinks this should never be so in the Christian home.
So it seems safe to say the weaker vessel is the person who is most vulnerable in the relationship, the one who must follow the lead of the other. Christian husbands should realize their responsibility toward their wives -- and the absolute havoc and pain they could cause them. Your leadership should build up, defend, and provide a place of safety for your bride. I'm not saying you need to become an alpha male, get a gun, and start your MMA training. But your leadership should acknowledge that it is hard to be a wife, hard to follow someone else, and hard to trust where they are going. Be the kind of man that is easy and safe to follow.
Two More Thoughts
Let me say two more things about the emphasis behind weaker vessel. First, Peter didn't say that the woman was a weak vessel, but the weaker vessel. Weaker than what? Than whom? Something is only weaker when compared to something else. Two really strong men could be lifting weights together, but one will be weaker than the other. Not necessarily weak, but weaker. Conversely, two really weak preteen boys could lift weights together, and one will be stronger than the other. Not necessarily strong, but stronger.
This makes me want to be as strong of a man as I possibly can for my bride. She is the weaker vessel but not necessarily weak. I want to lead her and set a tone of gracious strength, courage, faith, and boldness -- the kind God can supply to us both.
Second, especially for those of you still struggling with the concept, remember Peter's analogy. The wife is the weaker vessel. There are different vessels in a household, and each has a different usage and durability. Tupperware is more durable than fine plate ware. Wine glasses and weaker vessels than Yeti water bottles -- each serves its purpose. In the household analogy, neither vessel is better than the other, but each serves its purpose. In a similar way, the husband and wife have a different design from God but have each been made to serve their purpose. In our home, there's a reason Christina was the primary potty trainer, and I am the primary driving instructor. We are trying to complement one another (and spread out the stresses of parenting).
Honor Your Wife
It's clear Peter didn't think of the wives in a derogatory way when he said they were weaker vessels because he said the husband should honor her in response to that truth. In societies and religions where women are truly seen as second-class citizens, the last thing men do is honor them. If a man thinks of his wife as less-than himself, he will never honor her. But when the knowledge she's a weaker vessel merely means that she is different from him and in the most vulnerable position in their relationship, he will honor her for who she is and the position she holds.
In our marriage, Christina and I have joined together to fulfill the mission God has given us. And much of that mission involves the work of the church, work I am very much involved with, but Christina caught a vision early on about its importance. She became convinced that I couldn't do what I do without her support. And I realize fully that, in a sense, she has adopted the second position. In a very real way, you are all recipients of her faithful ministry, support, and love towards me. She, and every bride who follows their husband's lead in life, is worthy of honor.
A believing husband should work hard to honor his bride. One way to do this is to avoid a tyrannical method of leadership. Be kind. Be compassionate. Be soft (or softer). Be less brutally direct, but say things with tenderness and care. And listen. Move slowly. Communicate. Move through life together. Get her insight and wisdom. Let her speak into your life; she has great insights into who you are, what you're called to, and how to take life to the next level. And, of course, honor her by keeping appropriate boundaries with other women (or images of other women).
Also, apologize a lot.
3. Live As Coheirs With Her Of The Grace Of Life
7c since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Your Sister In Christ
This statement only backs up the idea that Peter does not think of the wives in a derogatory way. Unlike some religions, female Jesus-followers are coheirs of the grace of life.
Sometimes we speak of the church as a family -- it's one of the analogies the New Testament uses to describe the church (along with flock, building, body, and bride). This is why in some old-timey churches, everyone refers to everyone as brother-this or sister-so-and-so. Well, what Peter is highlighting for the husbands is that your wife is your sister in Christ.
Lead Like A Middle Man
So though the wives are the weaker vessel, and though the husbands have greater authority in the marriage, Peter makes it clear that wife and husband are equals before God. Eternally, they are coheirs before God. Both needed the atoning and cleansing blood of Christ. Both had to place their faith in his death, burial, and resurrection. And both will receive the inheritance reserved for Christ one day.
I think this presents an implied challenge to all husbands. What do I mean? Well, Peter makes it clear that one day your wife, if she is a Christian, will inherit, experience, everlasting life with you. She will be in heaven, in glory. On that day, you will no longer be in a position of authority in her life. She will report directly to God.
So the challenge is simple: lead your wife now in a way that leads to as little change as possible when she's in glory. The Son follows the Father. You follow the Son. She is to follow you. When you -- the middle man -- are one day removed, I pray she is not at all shocked when reporting directly to God.
If you refuse to lead, your wife will be tempted to disobey God and do her own thing without you. If you lead abusively, she will be tempted to hate your leadership. In either case, the transition to glory will be a shock. But if you lead well, she might love your leadership because it will feel like God's leadership -- God leading through you. And when she gets to glory, it won't feel all that different, except now the middle-man will be gone.
The Canary In The Coalmine
Peter concludes by saying there is a reason Christian husbands should understand and honor their wives, a reason they should treat them as coheirs before Christ. If they don't, their prayers will be hindered (7).
It is unfortunate that some husbands won't care about their prayers being blocked or ineffective or dysfunctional. Peter is assuming Christian men would care when their prayer lives aren't working, and I agree with him. Born again, Christian, gospel-men, want to be close with God. The last thing we would want is hindered prayers.
I suspect there is a supernatural and natural reason behind the hindrance Peter warns us about. First, the supernatural reason: God is involved. When a man is walking in sin, in darkness, he is not where God is. Though the blood of Christ brings us from darkness into light, we have a choice where we walk. John said:
1 John 1:6 (ESV)—6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.
So God will hinder the prayers if husbands walk in darkness by dishonoring their wives.
But there is a natural reason as well. Many think Peter is alluding to the prayers a husband and wife pray together. And two people cannot pray together effectively when they aren't in agreement. I know I have been to prayer meetings where I could not agree with the requests and aims of the people in attendance. Our prayers were hindered because we weren't at all on the same page.
So when a husband doesn't understand or honor his wife, it will show up if he tries to pray with her. He won't know how to pray for her because he hasn't understood her. He won't know how to pray with her because they aren't aiming for the same things in life. And she won't feel safe praying with him because he hasn't honored her as the weaker vessel.
In a sense, when a Christian husband and wife cannot easily fellowship about God or pray together to God, it is an early indicator of problems throughout the marriage. It's like the canary in the coalmine. If it stopped singing, miners knew they were running out of oxygen. And when a married couple's spiritual life before God starts drying up, when the prayers are hindered, it's an early warning sign that something needs fixing. The couple that prays together stays together, they say. Peter says the couple that cannot pray together has some issues that must be fixed.
Think about it. Prayer with your spouse should be a microcosm of your whole life together. When Christina and I pray together, we ask God for similar things for our lives, marriage, children, friendships, and church. We have regularly communicated about all these things, so nothing shocks us when we get into prayer. I don't sit there racking my brain -- What is going on with her? What in the world should I pray for her about? What are her hopes or fears? What does she want out of life? How are her friendships and family relationships doing? How does she feel the kids are doing right now? Who is she discipling? Nope. I know the answers to those questions. She knows the same about me. So we can pray.
Pray!
By the way, I would urge married couples to pray together. Christina and I prefer protecting one small slot each week where we can together lift up our concerns to God. But, whether you have a prayer meeting each week like we do, or pray each night before bed, or whatever, pray together. Marriage is meant to lead to intimacy, and there is a sense in which praying together is the closest you can be to another person. Pray together.
Conclusion
In closing, let me say this: husbands are leading no matter what. It might be haphazard or neglectful leadership. It might be good and holy leadership. But men are important in this world and in their marriages. It is important for us to lead as God would have us. Let's receive his grace and, if called to marriage, be the husbands he has redeemed us to become.