Exile Dating -- 1 Peter 3:1-7 -- The Grace of Exile #16

1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Introduction

For many, the dating world can feel like the movie 1917, a story about two young British soldiers in World War One who carried an urgent message through enemy territory. They were given a few basic supplies, directions, and a pat on the back before heading out into bullets, bombs, and boobytraps. Danger lurked at every turn. It was a constant game of survival. Many believers feel the dating world is the same.

The need for good, biblical counsel becomes more acute when we consider the terrible advice circulating among the masses. People are told to follow their hearts, date for fun, try recreational romance, live together before marriage, and look out for themselves, all while learning strategies to manipulate, deceive, and play at the dating "game." But dating is not meant to be a fun stage of life -- it is more akin to a job interview to discover if you should get married. Marriage is where the fun is!

So the stakes are high. You do not want to marry a bad person. You do not want your fellow church member to marry a bad person. You do not want the pain and destruction that marrying a bad person causes -- sometimes for generations. You don't want this to happen to you, to someone you love, or anyone in the body of Christ.

This is why I want the whole church to hear this message today. Even if we aren't single, I hope we can all become more competent to counsel, advise, and support our unmarried brothers and sisters in Christ.

I should also point out that dating is not the only alternative to marriage. Just because someone is unmarried doesn't mean they ought to actively pursue marriage. The Bible is clear in that it constantly upholds and honors the single life. Jesus, the center point of Scripture, was unmarried, and so were many of the greatest believers who ever lived.

Some will choose a single life as a way to glorify God. Some are divorced and have concluded remarriage -- for them -- would be unbiblical. Some have a romantic or sexual desire that is out of step with God's design and Scripture -- same-sex attraction, for instance -- so they choose singleness instead of disobedience to God. Some, as was the case with Paul the Apostle, became convinced they could make the greatest impact on God's kingdom by remaining unmarried. Still, many others are open to the idea of marriage should the right person come along.

Since the stakes are high, popular "wisdom" is so bad, and many would like to one day marry, I thought it would be wise to pause on our 1 Peter 3:1-7 text for a week to mine it for principles that apply to the dating world. Peter has said much to wives and husbands in this passage, but there is a lot that would help a single believer navigate the battlefield of dating in this text. Let's observe three major exhortations: (1) Date someone you can follow/lead. (2) Look for lasting attractiveness. (3) Find a Jesus-person.

1. Date Someone You Can Follow/Lead

Peter's Vision

The first major point I'd like to draw from our 1 Peter 3:1-7 text is that believers should date someone they can follow or lead. All through the passage, Peter tells the wives in the church to be subject to, submit to, and even obey their husbands. These are stringent words, and we've wrestled with them over the past few weeks.

Now, the wives and husbands Peter wrote to were already married, so they were obliged to heed the apostle's words. But if you are unmarried, you have a decision to make. First, ask yourself if you really want to be married with directions such as these. Then, if you are a woman, ask yourself if you are willing to follow a man's lead. And, if you are a man, ask yourself if you are ready for leadership.

If you are open to fulfilling the role God's word lays out for you, then carry this perspective into the dating world. The second you (if you are a woman) realize you would not want to follow the guy you're dating, end the relationship. And the second you (if you are a man) realize you could not lead the woman you're dating, end the relationship. Women should only date men they could eventually follow in marriage. Men should only date women they could eventually lead in marriage.

How Can You Tell?

If you are a woman, there are some great questions you can ask that are all based on our 1 Peter 3:1-7 passage. These questions can help you determine if you could follow a particular man. If wives are called to follow, then if you married the guy you're dating, you will be called to follow him. He would need to lead you. So how does he lead his life right now? Is he a man who demonstrates self-control? Does he work hard? Full-time? How does he spend money? Can he save? Does he budget? Does he earn? And, this is a big one, but does he submit to the authority in his life? Does he have any accountability? Is he mentored? If he is not following someone else's lead, it is likely because he has systematically removed all outside influences so he can be the lord of his own life. Run away.

Additionally, Peter told husbands to live with their wives in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7). So does this man understand you? And when he doesn't (and he inevitably won't at times), is he good at asking questions, listening, and talking as a way to learn where you are coming from? Many young couples get starry-eyed about their relationship and don't realize until it's too late that they are incapable of working through conflict.

Peter also told the husbands to honor their wives (1 Peter 3:7). So right away, ask, "Does he honor me now? Does he honor women now?" Does he pressure you to compromise your walk with God? Does he consume pornography? Does he treat women with respect and dignity? Does he have healthy female friendships?

If you are the man, there are some great questions you can ask as well. Since Peter said that believing wives need to follow the leadership of their husbands, find out if she submits to authority in her life right now. Does she constantly rail against her employer or professors? Does she live within her means? Does she have a mentor? Does she have any accountability? Does she serve in her church?

Peter also told the wives to adorn themselves with internal beauty (3-4). Find out if she is a person of character and godliness right now. Does she fear God today? Is she primarily concerned with external beauty? What does she do to cultivate inner grace, strength, and obedience to Christ? How is she pursuing spiritual growth? Does she care more about Jesus than she cares about you or anyone or anything else?

Use Your Community

In asking these questions, I recognize many people become so drunk with infatuation that they cannot intelligently answer. When you "fall in like," you can easily tell yourself your the person you're dating is so godly, so inwardly gorgeous, so perfect. I've heard women talk about jobless dudes who go to church three times a year like they were the second coming of Christ.

Because of this, you must use your community to answer many of the questions I've suggested. If you have believing friends, a network of Christian fellowship, young and old saints in your life, you are well set up for this process. With wisdom and grace, they can help you see reality more clearly. Listen to their advice and counsel. Use your community.

A Note on Your Mentality

All this said, I must point out a danger. In our modern time, marriage is often thought of as a capstone to life. What this means is that many think of marriage as something you do after you have accomplished a billion other things. After you get all your degrees, start and build your career, are earning six figures, buy your first house, and get out of all debt, then you get married.

But marriage used to be thought of as a cornerstone in life. And in societies where sex outside marriage and cohabitation are not popularized, marriage is often seen this way. People get married younger, and they build a life together.

I point this out here for two reasons. First, we should not be too demanding while investigating whether or not we want to marry someone. Second, I am trying to highlight character and godliness because people of high character and growing godliness will turn out well as the years tick by. Character is an early indicator of how life and marriage would go. You can build a life with someone submitted to God.

2. Look for Lasting Attractiveness

Marriage Is More Than Appearance

The second major point I'd like to draw out from our passage (1 Peter 3:1-7) is that you should look for lasting attractiveness. Peter told the wives to adorn themselves with an inner beauty that will never fade away. As Proverbs 31:30 says, "Charm is deceitful. Beauty is passing. But a woman who fears the Lord should be praised" (Proverbs 31:30).

Physical attraction often gets a new relationship started, but we should not give in to the lie that outward appearance is as important as our society would have us believe. Marriage is so much more than physical attraction.

When Christina and I began dating, I was attracted to her appearance. And I am attracted to her appearance today. And our marriage has been great. But there are many reasons it's been great, and most of them have nothing to do with how she looks. For instance, when we have a disagreement, it's her character and wisdom and humility that help us solve the conflict. It's her self-discipline and contentment that help us stay on our financial budget. It's her grace and willingness to learn and serve that make her an incredible mother. It's her godliness and love for the gospel that gives her the grace to put up with me. It's her humor and love of life that makes spending time with her so enjoyable. As I said, marriage is so much more than physical attraction.

But this is what our world would have us believe -- beauty is everything! This pitfall leads to such heartache as people leave and hurt and reject one another in the pursuit of external appearance.

Believing men and women should work hard to embrace a different value system. Become attracted to character, to godliness, to internal beauty. And if someone godly (and single) is interested in you, maybe you should give them a chance?

A Word on Dating Apps

This is probably as good a place as any to talk about online dating apps and services. Most people I know who have used them have felt they were a necessary evil, a means to an end, but not the ideal. But, though many of us would prefer to meet someone in person and get to know them as friends first, many people will have happy stories of meeting their spouse online.

First, please recognize they aren't all created equal. I am trying to tell you to look for lasting attractiveness, but many apps are designed to exclusively judge outward appearances. But people are so much more than how they look, so don't fall into the trap of apps like these.

Second, be wise and cautious. People can say anything they want to online. Not everyone who marks "Christian" as their religion is a Jesus-loving, gospel-believing, Spirit-filled Christian. They might've just attended Catholic elementary school.

Third, you must involve your community. It's easier to fool one person than a group of people. Get your friends and family involved if you meet someone online. Let them help you discern what you're really dealing with.

Delicate Exhortation

This exhortation to look for lasting attractiveness is a delicate one. Nobody wants to feel they aren't also outwardly attractive. And in our society, one that puts so much emphasis on style over substance, we can easily become offended at the idea of prioritizing internal beauty. Am I supposed to date someone that has no external appeal to me? If I do not find them outwardly attractive, am I supposed to ignore that and simply wonder if they have a good devotional life?

Don't misunderstand me. I don't expect to overturn thousands of years of human behavior. Physical attraction exists and isn't going away anytime soon. God is about it. He made us this way. My point is that you should not overvalue or emphasize it when dating. Try your best to value the internal person, as Peter said, "the hidden person of the heart, the imperishable beauty" (1 Peter 3:4).

3. Find a Jesus-Person

The Passage

Throughout the entire passage, Peter hints at our third point. When dating, you should find a Jesus-person. Peter expected everyone in the church to be submissive like Jesus. He valued respect, the fear of God, and pure conduct. He emphasized the hidden person of the heart and holy living. He thought believers should be praying, loving, serving people.

All this helps us know that we should look for a Jesus-person. I speak from experience. Being married to a passionate Jesus-follower makes life manageable, purposeful, and exciting. It makes romance last and deepen over time. It preserves passion and desire. It creates solid ground from which to operate a relationship and family. And with Jesus as the love and Lord of our lives, marriage gets better and better with age.

Better Than Your List

I wanted to highlight this point because I know many people make a wish list when dating. You might write the list, or it might be unspoken. You might tell your friends and family, or you might keep it private. You might think hard about it, or you might subconsciously have one. But everyone has one.

But your list should be shredded in favor of this one beautiful, all-important characteristic. If you find someone who has Jesus as their King, if they love and fear and serve him, they are an amazing person. And many other things on your list might need to bow in subservience to their allegiance to Christ. They might not be tall, but if Christ is their King, they are a baller.

When a person has Jesus as their Lord, the deal-breakers of addiction, anger, and infidelity won't be present. When Jesus is their prime pursuit, they will continually grow and transform to become more like him. And when Jesus is their passion, love and grace and patience and kindness will increasingly flow from their lives.

Better Than "Compatibility"

Looking for a Jesus-person is so much better than looking for someone with whom you'd be compatible. You might be from the same financial background, have similar perspectives about family, and have the same goals in life, but if they don't love Jesus more than they love you, run away.

Better Than "Christian"

Don't mishear me. I'm not saying you should find someone who identifies as a Christian. For far too many people, this title has nothing to do with pursuing and following Jesus. They might simply mean they are a political conservative, have a church they go to occasionally, or that they were raised by religious parents. You aren't looking for a nominal Christian, but someone who has been so lit on fire by the fame of Christ that they are willing to bow in surrender to him in every area of their lives. They won't follow him perfectly, but submitting to Christ will be the driving focus of who they are.

This or Nothing

And, in my opinion, it's this or nothing. Don't compromise here. Believers are only allowed to marry other believers (1 Corinthians 7:39, the entire Old Testament). The Bible says we are to yoke ourselves with other Christ-followers, and there is no greater human connection than marriage (2 Corinthians 6:14). If someone like this doesn't come along, do not compromise. It isn't worth it. Stay allegiant to Jesus. Let him be your constant companion. Trust him and wait.

So, when you date someone, listen to who they are. As they talk about their life and values, is there any intersection with God's kingdom? Are they only about the natural realm, the temporal, about money and career and success and play and hobbies and interests? Or are they about Jesus?

Questions To Ask

Though time will tell, here are some questions to help you learn more quickly if this person has Christ as King.

1 - How did you come to know Christ?

Does this seem too personal a question to you? Well, for a believer, it's not. It’s one of the most exciting questions in the world. It might be personal, but we rejoice to speak of the day when Jesus Christ came into our lives and saved us from our sin. If the person cannot articulate their salvation story, though they might become a believer one day, they probably don't know the Lord yet.

2 - What church do you belong to?

By hearing about the church they go to, you can do a little research. Look their church up online. Read their belief statement or listen to a recent sermon. See if it seems healthy and doctrinally strong. If they mention a church that isn’t a Christian church, you should walk away. If they say they are still looking for a church, but have lived in the area for more than six months, walk away. Chances are, they don’t go to church at all. As I said already, you aren’t looking for someone who casually identifies as “Christian,” but someone who lives it out.

3 - What is the name of your pastor and what is he teaching through?

These questions will help you determine the level of engagement they have with their local church. If they cannot quickly recall the name of their pastor or even what the pastor is currently teaching, they might be putting you on. It is such a basic element of Christianity to have a local church and to get into his word, so if they struggle to know who their pastor is or what the recent sermon series is about, they likely aren’t very engaged with their church community. For a married couple, one of their best friends is the Sunday gathering because sitting under the authority of the word together is helpful for married life. God speaks and leads and corrects and shapes. If a prospective mate isn’t already allowing this into their lives, how do you know they ever will?

4 - Who are some of your favorite authors and books?

In response to questions like these, if they never mention a solid Christian author or book, you should be cautious. A lack of any interaction with solid Christian writing is a clue to their level of seriousness about their Christianity. On the other hand, if they mention different authors and books, look them up. Are they books about prosperity doctrine? Are they about a Christianity that is all positivity, focusing too much on the quality of your faith? Are they into scholarly authors and works? Are you doctrinally close to each other?

5 - What is God teaching you right now?

The gospel paves the way for a personal relationship with God. He becomes our Father. He resides within us by his Holy Spirit. The separating veil was torn in two; we now have total access to the throne of God. As we walk with God, he teaches, corrects, shapes, and encourages us. Perhaps this question will help you catch a glimpse of the vitality of your prospect's walk with God.

6 - Can we go to your church next Sunday?

Go on a date to church! By sitting through a church service at their home church, you can learn a ton. Does anyone recognize them? Are they engaged in the worship and teaching? Do they seem to be prayerful? Are they welcoming to others? Is their church fluffy or serious, man-centered or God-centered?

Pressured for Sex

By the way, one quick way to know a person isn't a Jesus-person is if they pressure you for sex. It is one thing to battle temptation together -- and unmarried people should make sure they aren't in places where it would be easy to compromise -- but it is another thing if the person you're dating thinks it's just fine to engage each other physically. This attitude is so contrary to obvious Scripture that it makes it immediately obvious Jesus isn't the Lord of their lives.

Some Advice

In the Interim

I want to end our time today with some practical advice, some next steps. I recognize this has been a long teaching. This has been intentional because there is so much that must be said. But let me close with some exhortations.

If you would like to be married one day, start by trusting God with your future. God brought Eve to Adam, and he can take care of you if that's his plan.

Also, work on yourself. Become a person who can follow or lead. Develop your inner character, the hidden person of the heart. Become more of a Jesus-person than ever before. Use your singleness for God's kingdom.

And please know that this life is not the one with the fairytale ending. One day Jesus will return to earth and drive out all evil and brokenness. Tears will be no more. But, in this life, we will pass through trials. This means that a believer's desire to be married is not a guarantee it will happen. Again, trust him with this unfulfilled desire.

On Breaking Up

Then, if you are dating someone and you realize you cannot or will not marry them, break up and stop dating them. Be truthful and clear about the reasons why, and own it as your decision. Do not ghost them because that's what cowardly, unconverted, carnal people do. Be brave, meet them in person, and kindly and gently, but clearly and honestly, end the relationship. If you have wronged them in any way, seek their forgiveness.

On How You Will Know

But if you're dating someone, you might also come to the opposite conclusion. You might realize you want to marry them. How will you know?

First, there will be the witness of Scripture. They will be a Jesus-person with whom you are equally yoked. There will be nothing disqualifying in their lives, things like violent anger, and undealt with addiction, or ongoing sexual sin.

Second , there will be an internal witness. You will want to move forward in life with them!

Third, your people will also agree with you. You must bring them into the process, and consider their objections, especially if they are also Jesus-people.

Fourth, your spiritual leaders will agree that marriage is a good idea. Mentors and pastors and life group leaders will all convey their excitement for you. And when you honestly ask them what they think, they will tell you they can support you if you marry.

Fifth, a pre-marriage counseling program or class can help you uncover any issues that might prohibit marriage. A course like this will help you see if you are on the same page regarding subjects like beliefs, finances, family expectations, goals, sex, conflict resolution, divorce, and parenting. Don't set a wedding date until after you've completed such a course and gotten the blessing of whoever led you through it. Try not to take it alone, without a mentor or pastor leading you. See if they think it's still a good idea to get married. Then set a date.

On Actually Dating

One thing I haven't talked about today is how to go about the process of actually dating. My hope today is that I've taken some of the mystery out of it.

I am a man. Men are meant to lead in marriage. So here is my advice to the brothers: Become as godly as you can. Serve and love Jesus. Deal with major sins. And, if you are a man, ask the godliest single woman you can find out on a date. You don't need a limo. Grab coffee if you need to keep it low profile. It's an investigation. If she says no, rejoice that you are still alive! After some time to recover, try again with the next godliest single woman you can find. And if you go out and it goes OK, go out again if she is willing. Break things off clearly once you realize you aren't interested any longer. If not, keep going out as much as you and your trust advisors need to determine if you'd like to marry her. Then ask her. Maybe she will say yes.