In the most important endeavors of life, a vision is vital. Successful people often have a vision for life -- they can see what they want to become -- that drives them forward in their education and careers. Companies and businesses have a vision for what they are trying to accomplish, and each decision is meant to be carefully weighed in light of that vision. Churches should have a vision of what their communities could look like if impacted by Christ. Various facets of life are all driven forward by having a strong vision. Militaries, families, sports teams, enterprises, research -- all of it is propelled by vision.
It makes sense, then, that married couples should have a vision for marriage. Too much is at stake. Generations and communities are all affected by the health (or unhealthy) of marriages. This is especially true in Christian marriage because our marriages are meant to serve, at least in part, as a witness to God's grace to our larger communities. People should be drawn a little closer to Jesus through the quality of our marriages. Since the stakes are high, we need a vision.
So let's spend some time developing a vision for marriage.
Our Question
The main question we should ask is this: "What is the biblical vision for marriage?" It is not enough to have a vision for marriage. Everyone has one. But what we want is a biblical, scripturally-sanctioned, God-ordained, Spirit-breathed, divinely-designed vision for marriage.
Jesus said the house built on his word would stand, but the house built without his word would crumble (see Matthew 7:24-27). We want marriages that stand the test of time, marriages built on the rock of Christ. So what is the biblical vision for marriage?
Our Verse
It's a big question, one I will try to flesh out today, but one I want to answer with one simple verse. There are many beautiful passages on marriage throughout the Old and New Testaments, but I want to consider Genesis 2:18.
Genesis 2:18 (ESV)—18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
This verse appears on the sixth day of creation. After each day of creation recorded in Genesis 1, God saw what he had made and noted that it was good. But, here, God saw something that was not good in his sight. Man was alone. This was not good, so God determined to solve this problem by making a helper out of him who was fit for him. And the rest is history.
But this simple verse gives us three major pillars which help us shape our vision for marriage. First, God is the originator ("Then the Lord God said"). Second, a lack of community for man is the problem ("It is not good that the man should be alone"). Third, the woman would help him, and we assume he would help her ("I will make him a helper fit for him"). Each of these pillars helps us craft our vision for marriage.
Vision statement: A biblical, Christian marriage exists as a way to glorify God, form a deep community, and help the other person in that community.
Let's break down this statement a bit.
Some Clarifications
Before looking at each pillar, I want to offer two points of clarification. First, our vision is of a biblical, Christian marriage. The reason I did not stop with a merely biblical marriage is twofold. One, there are some really messed-up marriages in the Bible. I'd hate for anyone in a polygamous marriage, for instance, to say they are biblical. Two, this vision we need for marriage requires Christianity. We need the gospel because forgiveness, grace, redemption, sanctification, the blood of Jesus, and hope are all required for a marriage to work. So we want biblical, Christian marriages.
Second, our vision is of a way to glorify God, form a deep community, and help others in that community. A way, not the way, meaning there are other ways to do all these things. Jesus was single. Paul was single. And many great believers have been single. Yet none of them have been prohibited from glorifying God, developing powerful communities of faith, or helping other people in those communities. But marriage is a special way to do the things all healthy believers are meant to do.
We Want Our Marriage To Glorify God
With all this in mind, let's briefly consider the three pillars in our vision statement. It all starts with glorifying God. He is our maker and designer, so it is all-important that our vision for marriage begins with a desire to magnify him. He is the one who instituted this form of human relationship. And he did not kickstart marriage only as a way to expand the human population but as a way to image his desire for mankind. Paul said:
Ephesians 5:31–32 (ESV)—31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
So marriage is meant as an expression of the mystery of Christ and the church. And what are Christ and the church? It is a holy God reaching out to redeem a people for himself. It is a loving God instituting the cross for the benefit of those he loves. It is a righteous God making the way for us to become one with him. It is our need for God and his desire for us. Just as the husband and wife are one, so the gospel makes us one with Christ, united to God. So our marriages work best when they exist to glorify God.
By Loving God
A Christian marriage will seek to glorify God by cultivating an environment that encourages a love for God. He deserves our worship and is the only being worth centering our lives upon. Your spouse cannot handle the crushing weight of your worship, but you can build your life upon God.
Therefore, a good husband or wife will encourage their spouse to have a strong devotional life. Spending time with God is never a waste of time. Though we are all busy, you cannot afford to neglect your walk with God. And, in a good marriage, both the husband and wife will regularly spend time seeking him in his word and in prayer. The time spent with God makes the marriage work because it is an expression of the Lordship of Christ. God will correct, chasten, encourage, and guide us during moments we seek him.
Married couples should also cultivate their love for God by pursuing godly activity together. It amazes me how often I hear of Christian couples who talk each other out of being part of a local church, being in fellowship with other Christians, and into compromise. Instead, we must create an environment where the godliest activity is celebrated and esteemed. Things like church engagement, disciple-making, Bible study, outreach, service, or the spiritual disciplines should all be fostered within the marriage.
A healthy marriage will also exemplify devotion to God to one another. A wife should be able to observe her husband and see how he treats others with love and respect. He should look at her and see how she sacrifices and serves. They should be a constant encouragement in the direction of pursuing God and godliness.
And a healthy marriage will love God by allowing him to shape their priorities and destinations together. His values will become their values. The church is the body of Christ, meaning we are meant to carry out the heart and mind of Christ in this broken world. So a marriage that loves God will be a source of hospitality, service, and generosity to this world. A godly marriage will become a beacon of light and truth to those in need.
By Loving Sanctification
In the process of loving God, a healthy marriage will grow to value sanctification. We come into our marriages as individual works in progress, testimonies of God's grace and mercy. Faithfully, the Spirit is shaping us daily into the image of Christ. And our marriages become a new instrument of God's sanctifying work in our lives; God will use your spouse to remake you and draw out Christ's nature from you. Your mate can help you become more like Jesus! But you must love and cherish this process. You must love sanctification -- and you must hope your spouse helps you attain it!
In a healthy marriage, sanctification will occur through conversation. Words must be expressed. Sometimes you will need to speak words of confession. At other times you will need to encourage or exhort one another. And always, you will need to use supportive words. But spiritual growth requires conversation. You have to be able to talk about flaws and faults, sins and weaknesses, without judgment or hostility. You have to cultivate an environment of grace, and a major part of God's grace is its illuminating effect on our lives. When his love and light shine upon us, we realize our sins, and discussion ensues. In marriage, your shortcomings will be highlighted in a way they weren't when single, so you better begin talking about those issues with your spouse.
In a healthy marriage, sanctification will happen by cultivating your conscience together. Don't become a couple who encourages sin. Often, a marriage will replace the sins of youth with the sins of middle and old age. The wild days are replaced by greed, covetousness, or the constant accumulation of more. Or they are replaced by sloth, laziness, or self-focus. But a healthy marriage will craft a sensitive conscience. Couples who love sanctification will be on guard regarding what they consume, how they spend their time and money, and what they allow into their lives.
We Want Our Marriage To Form a Deep Community
With God as the foundation, a vision for marriage should include forming a deep community. God is triune. He has always, since before human time, been in perfect harmony with himself. The Father, Son, and Spirit have served and loved within the tri-unity of God forever.
So God instituted marriage as a way to bring a deep level of community to human interactions. As I said earlier, people can form community without marriage, but marriage is meant to be the most intimate human-to-human community in existence. Your vision must have a vision for a deep community.
By Being Friends
And since God made marriage for the deepest level of human community, a husband and wife should cultivate friendship together. No marriage can skip this step. In even the most romantic book in the Bible, a bride says of her husband, "This is my beloved and this is my friend" (Song of Solomon 5:16). A husband and wife are much more than friends, but they should maintain the strongest of friendships together.
This friend perspective is especially important when inevitable disappointments creep into a marriage. Sometimes you have to, by faith, declare that you like the other person. You have to remember what initially drew you to them. You have to claim them as your friend.
In one early season of our marriage, I became a particularly challenging person for Christina to enjoy. It came while our firstborn was only two and Christina had just given birth to our second daughter -- and she was not a happy baby. With the challenges of motherhood and postpartum hormones upon her, I was going through changes of my own. In my professional life, I had recently been promoted into a higher position of leadership, one which required a massive amount of personal organization. After voraciously consuming many books and lectures on the subject, I began implementing a complex organizational system at work. But I also began bringing my newfound passion for structure to my home -- a home that my wife was surviving day by day. I thought everything should have a place, and our projects and task lists should be thoroughly updated each day. She thought I should change a diaper. I was annoying.
On top of this, I had gotten quite overweight in those early years, and some friends had challenged me to a weight loss challenge. Being a competitive person, I was determined to win, and the weight began melting off. I was counting calories, getting into fitness for the first time as an adult, and feeling good. No woman feels her absolute best right after giving birth to her second child, so none of this was easy for Christina to enjoy about me.
Years later, she shared with me that she had to discipline herself in those days to like me. She even made a list of all the things that drew her to me in the first place and prayed it over on my most annoying days. She knew we had been friends and would be friends again one day, but in that season, she had to be friends by faith. I am so glad she did. I was clueless about much of my behavior, and years later, I was able to apologize for being so dense during such a difficult season of her life.
But beyond having a perspective that you appreciate your spouse, you must prioritize your friendship. You have to make time for each other. Too many marriages devolve into coworker mode. In marriages like these, everything is a project to accomplish. But marriages that are friends will engage each other as friends would. They make time to hang out, to converse, to catch up, to share what's going on in their lives, to laugh and cry, to enjoy each other.
For Christina and me, this has been a priority from the beginning. Someone told us, early on, to protect a regular date night. For us, this means a weekly time where we grab a (usually budget-conscious) bite to eat (or even coffee) and talk. We started this before we had children, which was important because ministry life can creep into all your free time if you aren't intentional about it. That's our life, but whatever calling God has put on your life, make sure you prioritize a friendship with your spouse.
By Being Lovers
Since God made marriage for the deepest human community, married couples should pursue sexual intimacy. As Paul said, "The husband should fulfill his wife's sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband's needs" (1 Corinthians 7:3).
It is unfortunate that the enemy of our souls has deceived so many of us about God's gift of sex. Our world has become convinced that sex inside marriage is a bore, while sexual encounters outside marriage are the most fulfilling. Though many believe this, the reality is another story. Many are chasing empty sexual experiences and are left unfulfilled, while many committed marriages experience deep, satisfying, multi-layered sexual fulfillment. Sex is a gift from God; this is an important tone to bring into marriage.
As a gift, it is meant to be a microcosm of the marriage. A good marriage relationship takes communication. Both husband and wife must regularly talk through their desires, expectations, needs, and goals. A good marriage relationship takes service. Both husband and wife must consider the needs of the other and find ways to bless them. A good marriage relationship takes sacrifice. Both husband and wife must lay down their preferences and wants to satisfy the other. And a good marriage relationship takes love. Both husband and wife must pour themselves out in Christ-like, sacrificial care for their spouse. Each of these elements -- communication, service, sacrifice, and love -- are good for the marriage. And each is good for the marriage bed.
If married, I encourage you to talk regularly about your sex life with your spouse. Outside the heat of the moment, open up about how you are feeling, what you enjoy, and how you see things. For many, these conversations are uncomfortable, but married couples need to be able to talk about everything. If you can talk about this, I guarantee you that talking through a budget will be easier. Don't let weeks and months and years tick by without getting on the same page with your spouse about your sex life by talking about it with them.
Part of the conversation around sex is to talk through past sins and current temptations. Stay current and help one another with your weaknesses. And talk through ways you have had your view of sex wrongly shaped and molded in your past.
Beyond talking about physical intimacy, be sure to protect physical intimacy. Carve out the time required and reserve the energy needed to connect in this way regularly. Talk through your expectations about frequency, and then stick with the plan. Communicate about when and where and how you enjoy your spouse. Serve each other in this way. And, of course, protect this part of your life from sin. Your spouse, and your spouse alone, should satisfy your sexual desires. Don't let anyone else or any images into your mind or heart.
I should also mention the need for tons of grace in this department of marriage. To be naked with someone else is as vulnerable as it gets. And the various stages and ages of life can be quite humbling. Awkwardness abounds when it comes to sex. So be gracious towards each other and, when needed, laugh it off.
We Want Our Marriage To Help the Other Person in That Community
Be on Mission
Finally, a vision for marriage should then help the other person in that community. Eve was meant to help Adam. And Adam was surely meant to help Eve. Each had their role to play in aiding the other to live to their fullest, God-given potential and calling. And they had a mission from God to fill the earth and subdue it. Together, they could execute God's plan for their lives.
Christina and I do this by embracing our roles and being on a mission together. For this, a couple must get a vision. Through prayer, the study of Scripture, counsel, and the observation of married couples you admire, ask some important questions. Where do we want to go? And where are we currently going? What do we want life to look like at the end of this marriage?
Christina and I have tried to answer these questions by prioritizing the stuff God prioritizes. If I had to sum it up, I would say God wants us to have fruitful relationships. He wants us to have healthy relationships with each of our children (and any of their potential children). He wants us to store up for them, rather than us be emotionally and financially needy of their provision. He wants us to make disciples. He wants us to impact people for his kingdom. He wants us to mentor younger believers. He wants us to be hospitable and generous. He wants our home filled with life and love to the end of our days.
Much of God's vision for our lives flies in the face of the modern retirement culture. Toys and houses and self-indulgent isolation is the dream. No thanks. Don't get me wrong. I understand the appeal. But I know of no greater joy than being used by God in the life of others. And much of the retirement vision of life does not make that brand of life possible. So no thanks.
But, in thinking about the end of life, one must ask if they are already on that journey? We cannot expect to live seventy years focused on the self and then care about others at the end. It won't happen. We must instead reverse engineer our lives. What do we want to be like in the last third of life? Become those things in the first two-thirds of life.
To execute this mission, a husband and wife must help each other stay on track. Contentment is hard to maintain. Love is hard to stick with. Relationships are hard to pursue. So a husband and wife must continually encourage each other to this brand of life.
Christina and I regularly pause and reevaluate our lives. We try to be honest about our goals and priorities -- not our stated goals and priorities, but the ones we are actually living out. Is there a gap between what we say we are about and what we are actually about? Do we need to refocus ourselves on any particular goal or vision for the future? What stage are we in now, and how do we need to adjust our vision?
If Christ is our life, then we feel each decision and priority should be weighed in light of who we are in him. We want our financial practices to reflect who we are in him, so we shoot for generosity, contentment, and saving. We want our calendar commitments to reflect who we are in him, so we emphasize ministry and church life, but also balance, rest, and friendship with others. We want our speech to reflect who we are in him, so we repent and confess when we’ve allowed ourselves to say things unbecoming of Christ.
If Christ is our life, we conclude it is important to continue to grow in him (2 Peter 3:18). This takes the form of reading books and listening to teaching about the Christian faith. We read books on marriage, parenting, finances, and soul-care. We listen to podcasts that teach us about the Lord. Though we sometimes consume the same material, we are two different people, so our norm is to take in different content at different times. We also try to take time to relax and talk about what we are learning.
Embrace Your Roles
As you talk about the mission in front of you, as you shape your vision for life, communicate about the roles each of you will need to play to get there. In a sense, marriage is a team. Discuss even the most minute responsibilities and make sure you are on the same page about them. Then get after it, fulfill your roles, and execute the vision God has given you.
May God's grace be upon you and your spouse (if married). Christ is for you, and your marriage is of utmost importance to him. Let him shape your vision for marriage -- and then go get it! Thanks for reading.
