Sex In Marriage (7:1-5)
Singleness series on nateholdridge.com
Epiphany concerning modern application of 1 Corinthians 6.
1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”
1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote:
The Corinthians, like many new believers, had some serious questions for Paul.
They sent Stephanas, Fortunatus, and Achaicus to ask (16:17).
Their questions were heightened due to their extremely liberal backgrounds.
Paul answered their questions.
The wisdom of these answers still stands.
Let’s be an answering church.
1 It is good for a man: Notice the first line of questioning Paul answers - relationships!
We live in a world that often has it backwards when it comes to satisfying relationships.
The Corinthians wondered aloud about sex inside marriage, the single life, divorce, and remarriage, so they asked.
Some are squeamish to answer such questions, but they are of extreme importance. If the church doesn’t speak up, who will?
1 Not to have sexual relations with a woman: Why is Paul giving this answer?
It seems that some in Corinth had begun to promote celibacy amongst Christians.
They were likely promoting this as a response to the immorality of their city.
In other words: If we are to flee sexual immorality (6:18), shouldn’t we just flee relationships?
In a moment Paul will advocate for the single life, but here he must teach on some of the benefits of marriage.
2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
2 But / each man / each woman:
Some in Corinth wanted Paul to endorse celibacy at the expense of monogamous marriage. They wanted to hear Paul agree, and he did, but not exclusively.
Paul was far from forcing celibacy.
Paul also extolled the virtues of marriage.
He rebuked those forbidding to marry (1 Timothy 4:3).
He desired that younger widows marry (1 Timothy 5:14).
He commanded pastors to be one woman men (1 Timothy 3:2).
The Bible extols the virtues of marriage.
God instituted it (Genesis 2).
For many great reasons.
Companionship (Genesis 2:18).
Godly offspring (Malachi 2:15).
As a type of Christ’s love (Ephesians 5).
Sanctification (Ephesians 5).
Here: sexual love.
2 Because of the temptation to sexual immorality: Another reason for marriage - a release for sexual pressure.
Paul wanted to avoid sexual immorality like the plague.
Harms/enslaves (6:12), cannot satisfy (6:13), renders ineffective (6:15), harms the soul (6:16), grave consequences (6:18), defiles (6:19), and it ignores the cross (6:20).
Paul’s Common Sense: If you can’t handle celibacy, find relief in marriage.
Bottled up? Work towards making yourself ready for marriage. Ex. Shaken up soda can - I need relief! No, you need to chill.
2 Own: Safety. Exclusivity. Sex is too personal, too revealing, and too naked to be opened up to the general public. It works best when there is commitment, devotion, and an unwavering sense of faithfulness.
3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
3 Conjugal rights:
Other translations: Marital responsibility (HCSB), marital duty (NIV), render the affection due (NKJV).
Stripped from it’s context, this could be a very vanilla verse, a non-sexual command to married couples.
The section running up to this one is about sex.
The section right after this one is about sex.
This sentence very clearly relates to the responsibilities of the sex life of a married couple.
1 Corinthians 7:3 (The Message) — 3 The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband.
3 Give:
SERVANTHOOD: The proper focus is on your spouse.
It’s not about “getting yours.”
It’s not about making our demands.
It’s another way to die to our selves.
3 Rights:
COMMUNICATION: The proper information is in your spouse.
You must learn one another.
Every person is different.
Ex. Love languages.
4 Authority:
4 Authority:
First, whatever this means, let’s be clear that it is mutual.
Paul is not promoting some type of sexual domination by one spouse over another.
If a man tries to use this teaching as a way to practice his perversity or force his wife to do something she is uncomfortable doing he has missed the mark.
I have seen men do this - if this verse would be a nightmare to your wife you had better get help.
The wife should feel safe and respected in her sexual relationship with her husband.
His banner over me was love (SOS 2:4) — Military significance.
Authority: Your personal application, if married, is to note that your spouse has authority over you, not the other way around.
1 Your body is not your own.
2 You cannot choose immorality.
3 Your spouse is the only one on earth with the power to physically satisfy you.
The marriage bed is a microcosm of a healthy marriage.
Selflessness.
Communication.
If you can talk about sex you can talk about finances, parenting, and in-laws.
Mutual submission.
Respect.
Love.
5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
5 Do not deprive one another:
Married couples should enjoy one another physically.
Proverbs 5:15–20 (ESV) — 15 Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. 16 Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? 17 Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. 18 Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, 19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. 20 Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?
Sex should never be used as a punishment, motivation, or negotiation.
Ex. Football players will holdout for a better contract.
No such thing as a “holy holdout.”
5 Agreement / Limited time / Prayer: There are seasons where a married couple can take a mutually agreed upon break for the purpose of seeking God (decisions, holiness, depth).
5 Not a permanent break, lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
God knows our frame (Psalm 103:14). So does Satan. It’s been said that the space in between you and your spouse is where Satan works. Erase the space!
Alternative To Marriage (7:6-9)
6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. 8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am.
6-8 Concession / as I myself am / gift from God / remain single, as I am: Paul comes back to the Corinthian proposition of singleness— it can be good!
Most of our society is unmarried, single.
Over half of U.S. adults are unmarried.
New trend — the belief marriage is becoming obsolete, longer life spans, prolonged adolescence.
Categories of singleness in Scripture:
1 Men and women, often young, prior to their first marriage
2 Widows (and by implication, widowers)
3 Eunuchs who, forced or volunteered, were castrated.
4 Those who shouldn’t marry due a specific time of trouble (sickness, persecution, economic disaster).
5 Divorcees, both at fault and not at fault.
6 Those called by God to life without marriage.
Singles: Because the home is in disrepair, the church needs to talk often of marriage, so please bear with the church.
6 Concession / Not a command: You do not have to become married. The only person who must be married is the person who already is married.
Marriage does not indicate a certain level of holiness.
This means one can mature without marriage.
Marriage does not indicate a certain level of favor.
Paul saw himself as loved by God.
Marriage does not make you happy, it makes you married.
7 As I myself: Paul was single.
He may have been married at some point.
He voted on the death of Christians.
Voters were members of the Sanhedrin.
Members of the Sanhedrin were married.
His wife may have died or divorced.
Paul had every right to be married.
1 Corinthians 9:5 (ESV) — 5 Do we not have the right to take along a believing wife, as do the other apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas?
7 Gift from God: Charis - same word for a spiritual gift. Many have a gifting that enables them to remain unmarried. Some have it, some don’t.
Paul and Jesus were single.
Your singleness is not for you.
8 It is good for them to remain single:
Paul saw the extreme benefits of the single life.
He saw his own effectiveness and realized it wouldn’t have been the same with a marriage.
His singleness allowed him to do things a married man couldn’t do.
The mobility of his ministry.
The financial burden of his ministry.
The danger of his ministry.
The single person is unencumbered and can do things the married person cannot.
9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
9 Exercise self-control: Paul was able to be single and conquer lust. Some cannot. Many widows or widowers experience an intensity of physical desire.
Therefore, a strong desire for physical intimacy with the opposite gender is an indicator marriage might be for you. Permanent singleness might not be for you. "They should marry," Paul wrote.
Remain In Your Marriage (7:10-16)
10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.
10-11 Paul charged them not to separate or divorce.
10 Not I, but the Lord: Jesus had spoken clearly on this particular issue, so Paul drew off that teaching.
The Lord desires extreme commitment in marriage.
Matthew 19:6 (ESV) — 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Matthew 19:10 (ESV) — 10 The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.”
There are only a few biblically acceptable reasons for divorce.
Death.
Adultery (Matthew 5, 19).
Matthew 5:32 (ESV) — 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Non-Christian divorce/abandonment (1 Corinthians 7:15).
Extreme betrayal / hard-heartedness (Malachi 2:14-16, Matthew 19:8) — church needs to discern.
Matthew 19:8 (ESV) — 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.
There are many unacceptable reasons for divorce.
“I felt God say...”
“I am tired of this...”
“We don’t love each other any more...”
11 Unmarried / Reconciled: This is the option of the departed spouse - reconcile to your husband/wife. In other words, God sees the departed spouse as a married person. When gone for an unbiblical reason, this is their only recourse.
What if their spouse has since remarried?
Reconciliation, in the form of remarriage, is impossible.
Reconciliation, in the form of making amends, giving it time, and showing sorrow, is possible.
There have been times we will contact the offended spouse to be sure they have released their ex-wife or ex-husband.
This is difficult terrain, but I believe if there is remorse, humility, and repentance, and if the marriage cannot be redone due to another marriage now in play, then a person who has left can be remarried, but ought to consider remaining unmarried.
11 Not to divorce: It seems best for a married couple to never entertain divorce as an option.
12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.
12 I, not the Lord: Some have been tripped up by this statement. Paul is only saying is that he is entering into a realm Jesus hadn’t already taught on. He is speaking by revelation as an apostle.
12-13 To the rest / unbeliever / consents: Those married to non-believers. Some had thought they should leave their non-believing spouse.
Note: They became Christians after getting married.
This is far from an endorsement to single people to marry outside of Christ. In fact, this should be a warning against marrying outside of Christ.
“Only in the Lord” (7:39).
Many non-believers might consent to remaining married, but many others would tire of their spouse’s new Christian morality and want to depart.
14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
14 Holy / Unclean / Holy:
Unbelieving spouses and children are set apart by the presence of a believing spouse or parent.
What are they set apart for? For God’s attention.
Corinthians: They drag us down.
Paul: You drag them up.
Some teach this to mean an actual spiritual atonement, but I take this to mean a practical consideration.
God has better access to the family when the Christian remains.
The child who sees their Christian parent in action daily is better off than the child who sees their Christian parent monthly.
15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
15 Called you to peace: We won’t be the ones to initiate divorce. We won’t be such holy-rollers that they want to leave us. We won’t be legalistic and quietly destroy the marriage, forcing them to leave. We will be people of peace in the entire process.
16 Save: Paul holds out hope. In that situation it is easy to focus on the worst possible situation.
1 Peter 3:1 (ESV) — 1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,
Stay In Your Calling (7:17-24)
17 Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches. 18 Was anyone at the time of his call already circumcised? Let him not seek to remove the marks of circumcision. Was anyone at the time of his call uncircumcised? Let him not seek circumcision. 19 For neither circumcision counts for anything nor uncircumcision, but keeping the commandments of God. 20 Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.
17 Let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned: There is a temptation to dream of another life, and many do. Instead we should walk as if God Himself has given us the life in front of us.
Ex. Peter re: John - “If I will that he remain till I come, what is that to you? You follow Me.” (John 21:22).
God can use you in every station of life.
19 Keeping the commandments: Obey now. Rather than debate pointless issues, obey!
20 Remain: Whether married, single, circumcised, uncircumcised, just be the person God has made you to be.
21 Were you a bondservant when called? Do not be concerned about it. (But if you can gain your freedom, avail yourself of the opportunity.) 22 For he who was called in the Lord as a bondservant is a freedman of the Lord. Likewise he who was free when called is a bondservant of Christ. 23 You were bought with a price; do not become bondservants of men.
21-24 Bondservant / freedman / whatever condition: Over half the population was enslaved. Many of them became Christians.
21 Do not be concerned: Some said, “If only I was free.” Paul told them to stop that line of thinking.
Embrace your social status as given by God.
Poor, imprisoned, without formal education? Serve God.
22 Freedman of the Lord: Physically enslaved, but spiritually free to serve God.
24 So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God.
Summary of Paul’s advice to married Christians.
Singleness Due To The Present Distress (7:25-35)
25 Now concerning the betrothed, I have no command from the Lord, but I give my judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. 26 I think that in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is. 27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that.
25 Trustworthy: Paul isn’t spouting off his “expert” opinion, he is writing under the inspiration of the Spirit as a trustworthy apostle.
Jesus appointed the apostles to write the truth.
John 14:26 (ESV) — 26 But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.
John 16:12–14 (ESV) — 12 “I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. 13 When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come. 14 He will glorify me, for he will take what is mine and declare it to you.
26 Present distress:
To what distress did Paul refer?
Famine, persecution, or coming political turmoil. Paul knew it was tough time to be a Christian, and an ever tougher time to be a married Christian.
The present distress made it a good time to be single.
This colors the rest of the chapter. We will read: do not seek a wife (27), marrieds will have trouble in the flesh (28), I want you to be without care (32), serve the Lord without distraction (35).
This does not mean, however, that marriage is a bad thing.
He makes it clear that marriage, even in a distressful time, is not a sin (28).
He does not put a leash on anyone (35).
Some will boast that singleness is some higher plane of spirituality. It is beneficial for certain times, seasons, and ministries.
Sudan or Iraq missions.
Marriage is beneficial for certain times, seasons, and ministries.
Helpful for pastors to be married men (1 Tim 3:2, Tit 1:6).
Present distresses: College, debt, sickness, missions, alone in the faith.
28 Worldly troubles: More on that in a few verses.
29 This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, 30 and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods, 31 and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away.
29-31 The appointed time has grown very short / from now on / none / not mourning / not rejoicing / no goods / no dealings with it: Far from preaching the neglect of responsibilities, Paul promoted a wartime mentality for believers, because the time is very short. He thought Christians should adopt a zealous, focused life.
How is it short?
Jesus’ coming? The present distress? Persecution? Our life spans?
31 The present from of this world is passing away: It will not last in its current form.
2 Peter 3:10 (ESV) — 10 But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, and then the heavens will pass away with a roar, and the heavenly bodies will be burned up and dissolved, and the earth and the works that are done on it will be exposed.
Y2K response? No!
32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.
32 Please the Lord: This can be true of your season of singleness, but it isn’t automatic. You need to pursue the Lord during this time of your life.
Singles can give themselves more fully to God’s work.
Ministry people.
It takes 100+ volunteers to pull of Sunday mornings at Calvary.
Many are single (children’s ministry).
They serve at one service and attend the other.
Some will work minimal jobs so they can give 20-30 hours per week to the church.
Thank you.
33-34 Anxious about worldly things:
Relational anxieties — Married couples must constantly monitor the health of their relationship.
Parental anxieties — Married couples must often deal with massive pressures caused by their children. Besides normal concerns, there might be additional weights (health problems, abuse, sinful decisions, abandonment of the faith, friendship drama, developmental issues, etc.).
Financial anxieties — Married couples must face mounting financial pressures as they seek to build a life together.
Physical anxieties — Married couples must face pressures of physical appearance for their spouse, but also face health problems together.
Spiritual anxieties — Married couples must deal with spiritual growth together. Sometimes one spouse will lag in their walk with Jesus, making this difficult.
Friendship anxieties — Married couples often have difficulty maintaining friendships. When single, the question was simple: “Do I get along with them?” Once married, the question moves more to: “Do we get along with them?”
Life decision anxieties — Married couples have additional complexities when considering life shifts like moving elsewhere, changing careers, or joining a new church.
Ex: Ball and chain at bachelor party.
Ex: Boulder Bill.
32, 34, 35 Please the Lord / please his wife / please her husband / undivided devotion to the Lord:
The married man leads a different life.
The single man:
Furniture: Inflatable furniture and a 60” TV.
The married man:
Disposable income - bye bye.
Hobbies - bye-bye.
Minivans, diapers, and bedding.
An education: travel, shopping, art, etc
The married woman makes incredible adjustments and sacrifices.
I “need” sports.
In-N-Out.
Music that is not jazz or modern rock - my weird taste.
Snoring.
Smell, noises, and man-humor.
Living with someone who takes 4 minutes to get ready.
Sometimes Marriage Is The Reasonable Option (7:36-40)
36 If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. 37 But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. 38 So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.
This entire paragraph is difficult to interpret. The difficulty centers around the identity of ”anyone.”
Was Paul referring to a fiance or a father?
Fiance: If it would harm the woman if you did not marry, then marry.
Father: If it would harm your daughter if you did not give her in marriage, then give her in marriage.
39 A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. 40 Yet in my judgment she is happier if she remains as she is. And I think that I too have the Spirit of God.
Here is a summary.
39 Only in the Lord: A Christian man.
Believers are called to marry other believers.
Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14).
A real one - a godly man.
Altar Call: Singles who have been impure. Marrieds who have been selfish. Life on the rocks. Give your life to Jesus Christ. He died for you. He loves you.